The girl who unknowingly changed my life forever, after all these years

This past week I've been sick to my stomach because there are so many things about myself that I've been denying.

Looking back, the signs were always there. As a kid, I always found girls more beautiful, and way more interesting than I ever found boys. I was never boy crazy. I'd be eight years old at the family computer in the living room watching anime girls kissing. I would have crushes on my girl friends that I now realize probably weren't just admiration. I wanted to date them. Growing up with homophobic parents made it easy to push all of that down. Even though I've moved out now, I still find myself hesitating.

For anyone who didn't see my last post, there was this girl I met while I was doing community work at a library. At first I just thought she had a beautiful face. Then she grew on me. I would look forward to working because I knew she'd come in and sit at her self-proclaimed spot. I knew she'd find another excuse to ask me for help with something she probably didn't need help with. I knew she'd somehow steer every conversation away from books and toward... well, anything else. And I knew I'd awkwardly try to keep up, which was strange, because I'd never struggled with small talk before.

Then I moved away, literally to another country. By the time I realized that I liked her back, it was already too late.

For the next two years, I thought about her more often than I'd like to admit. Sometimes all it took was remembering her smile, and I'd still feel butterflies.

Seven months ago, after unexpectedly moving back, I found her Instagram and finally worked up the courage to send her a follow request. I even made a post here asking whether I should message her.

Then... nothing.

I figured she'd probably never even see it.

But this week she accepted.

And I don't know why, but something about that made everything click into place. When I let myself think, "Maybe I'm just a lesbian," it felt like a burden had been lifted off my heart and soul.

Now I don't know what to do.

For two years I wished I'd get another chance to talk to her. Now that I finally have one, I don't know if I can bring myself to take it.

I want to message her. I really do.

But now I'm so self-conscious.

She seems to have everything going for her. She's getting her degree, she's social, and she seems to have her life together. Then there's me. I try to better myself every day, but I also carry around so many struggles, especially with my mental health.

I don't know. Maybe I'm overthinking it.

I just know that for the first time in my life, I can actually picture myself growing old with someone. And whenever I picture that future... it's always with a beautiful woman.

And somehow, after all this time, she's still the first face that comes to mind.

What the FUCK do I do...