So Overwhelmed

TW: Medical Gaslighting, Parental Planning, Grief, Internalized Ableism

My doctor agrees it's likely I have EDS but is overwhelmed on how to diagnose me/what to do.

I just had an ER visit for a suspected kidney infection, im on morphine, antibiotics and anti-depressants.

4 weeks ago, I truly thought this was all anxiety. I'm so overwhelmed with learning to accept this new reality I live in.

I've always wanted kids. I've always had this picture of when I finally heal my "mental health" problems and I become a dad. I don't even know if I'm capable of that anymore, or if I want to... if I'll be just as unwell as my mom and neglect them like she neglected me (she had all the same symptoms as me, but was undiagnosed).

I wanted to be an ornithologist and survey birds in the bush. I wanted to backpack and be a van-lifer.

I was so excited to get better one day, I was so excited to be just like my husband and run so fast, do so much, be just... more competent like him. Just really push through like he does and finally stop being so fucking useless.

Mental health problems were easy. I knew they could only kill me if I let them and neglected my treatment. I could control them.

But, I could've died from kidney failure, I may have damage, who knows how long this infection has been there; I learned to ignore my bodily pain because every health professional said it was all in my head, a coping mechanism for trauma.

I could have died.

I probably hurt myself so much listening to my doctor's advice. Who knows what else is seriously wrong.

I was never incompetent, I was never lazy or a bad kid.

It's just so much harder for me to get out of bed, literally.

I'm in shock. Everything feels completely unreal and different. I can't sleep and I'm so exhausted.

My whole world just changed. What do I do now?