i constantly need to be in control of everything

a lot of people tell me i’m a control freak and a perfectionist.

For starters, every time I have plans to go anywhere, I need everything to be perfect. I need to plan the date perfectly with the day before to do nothing but overthink and worry, i need to look perfect (at least to my standards) with my hair and makeup done exactly the same like always and with a comfortable outfit that i wont have any problems in. if any of this goes wrong, i end up getting extreme anxiety and sweating really badly. the whole day gets messed up because i overthink my every move.

this has really ruined my social life. i basically find no joy in hanging out with friends at all. i have such insane expectations every time and need everything to be my way. it’s so hard for me to let go.

Another thing is how I can’t eat anything that I find unsanitary or just not to my standards. if my family cooks something for me, if i even have the slightest idea that it wasn’t made cleanly or in the exact way i like it, then i won’t touch it. like my sister can be pretty sloppy. she’s definitely gotten better as she’s grown up, but i still have the idea of her being unhygenic and careless. i genuinely will not eat ANYTHING she makes. i feel like a horrible person doing this, especially since i know most of the time that there’s like a 90% chance nothing is actually wrong, i won’t eat it because it’s all ill think about. the 10% chance. it will consume my mind.

i’m not really sure if this is because of my ptsd. my parents have always fought since i can remember and have separated like 5 times. i know that it’s made me very hypervigilant. i rarely (basically never) put 2 earbuds in. even if they’re like over the ear headphones, i always have one ear out. and every time my parents raise their voice, i have an immediate pit in my stomach and from my room i will sit in complete silence and listen to their argument until it ends. i’ve never been the type to just drown it out with music because i’m so worried something might happen.

i’ve had no control over this situation my whole life and i think it’s what led me to being such a control freak for what i actually can control.

this could also be from obsessive compulsive personality disorder which i’ve been told i have “features” of. But to be honest, i think it would be more extreme. I dont know though

I generally just want advice on how to let go more because i don’t want this overtaking my life anymore.