seeking advice [vent]

[vent, take down if needed] i've always been extremely protective of my s/o's/kins/favs. i see them as an extension of myself and a core part of my identity. this hasn't really affected me too much until i started to try engage with fandom content last year, as i've always been someone who stays away from it because of my "weird" personality that most people can't comprehend, i also didn't really know how overprotective i was until i started to engage with other fans of my s/o's/kins as i've basically been socially isolated for years now. (my only way of interacting with people being online really) while i obviously won't mention the extremities of how much it's affected me, i will say it's affected my mental health to a point of almost having to see a psychiatrist early this year which ended up not happening.

i've started to recover, but everytime i see people refer themselves as s/o's/kins wife, partner or whatever now it makes me so extremely anxious. (even if as a joke) as much as i want to engage in fandom i can't see myself being around other fans who do this. (even just simply liking my favs in any sort of way) i block one and 5 more appear. it's really put me off selfshipping in general. (after basically being bullied out of it, being told i'm not good enough for one of my s/o's, i need a real partner etc.) and i thought if i slowed down on selfshipping that these feelings would go away, but they just don't. even as being fictionkin of these said characters now the feelings are still there and strong as ever.

i would like to mention, i do already see a mental health nurse every 2 weeks for talk therapy. but it hardly helps with this subject of my fluctuating emotions/mental health. the sessions i have are only a temporary release in that moment. seeking help isn't easy as people say it is online and most things like "journaling" or talking to a family member do not work for me in my situation.