My inability to interact with women is killing me

I'm a 37 year old virgin, who has never been in a relationship. There is just something fucking lacking with me. I never know what to do around them, I don't dare to talk to women I find attractive... Hell, I even swipe away Tinder matches because I'm just too scared. Of what? I don't know. I guess, them getting to know me?

 

 

It's pretty obvious that I have some sort of avoidant personality disorder (I had a therapist say it so it’s not just self-diagnosed), but I managed to overcome it in many regards in the last few years. Except in this one. I also have long term depression, although I'm not sure if that’s more of a chicken and an egg thing. Therapy places are hard to get.

 

 

It gets worse due to my friend group, all of them very successful with this. So I just have to watch them keep having sex with/keeping contact with women we interact with in social settings. One guy has pretty much slept with any single women we talked to over the last 2 years. Another new friend is chaos incarnate, but/which is why (?) he drives women absolutely crazy, he probably sleeps with 2-3 women a week, he is up to ~500 different now. They don’t show this off or anything (mostly), but I’m not stupid, I notice things, it gets mentioned on the site, and it does hurt, because it does at some point feel like everybody gets “picked” but me.

 I don't blame them or the women, but you build up resentment in the back of your head, you can't really do anything about that. And it keeps building up.

 

 

Resentment: After another unsuccessful night, you wake up in the morning and watch some really bad porn and jack off and feel shittier and shittier. You delete all the cookies and the history and promise yourself to never watch this shit again, its killing your libido, its making you feel bad, why do you do this to yourself? You just watched a woman get gangbanged into a mess by 10 dudes. Literally killing your own soul in more ways than one.

 

 

I'm not even that ugly, I get attention, but most of the time I get that attention I can't look in their eyes, I suddenly need to have a drink or 20 to deal with the crushing anxiety this made me feel, or really need to go to the toilet to make a plan on how to approach this only to not be able to do anything at all in the end. Women at my age or close don’t want to deal with someone who has the experience and social abilities of a 12 year old little boy. Also, obviously, no self confidence, because you have to build that up with SOMETHING. I got nothing to build that on, at least not on a fundament that matters to this.

 

 

I know one of the solutions would be to find a hobby I enjoy where I can meet women outside of drinking and clubs and bars, but I just can’t get myself to find one, which is probably back to the aforementioned disorder.

 

Fuck, man, now that I’m writing I realize I could probably write a book about all the stuff I feel is wrong with me. You wouldn’t know it, I function well enough, except the apparently very obvious bouts of sadness people notice. But besides that, I have a nice home, I have a nice car, I have my shit in order. But I also regularly think about dying, because I don’t know what I’m doing this for. There is no purpose to anything I’m doing, no goal, no endgame.

 

And the worst part is time. I’m actually not 37 yet, but soon, and I think that is what prompted this vent. Nobody around me gets it, but I HATE my birthdays, I don’t think I have to explain why at this point. Usually I take my vacation around them so no one has to deal with me and I don’t have to deal with anyone. I fucked this up this week, so this is going to be bad.

 

I’m sorry, this was extremely rambly and there is a good chance I’ll add to it later. I’ve been terrified of my birthday for a few months now and now its breaking through.