F32.2 for about a month and a half now and I just relapsed after 5 months.

I'm 19(M) and have been diagnosed with Major Depression since last year. I am overly harsh on myself because I grew up wanting to be a perfectionist because I didn't want to bring shame to my parents. I had my ups and downs along the way but I was able to fight the urge to die because I finally had a reason to live: be with my friends, away from home. I have tried to stay positive but after everything that could go wrong went wrong, I became pessimistic for the last eight years.

But that all changed last month when I was fired from my job for the third time in the span of six months unprecedented and unfairly. On top of that, my parents admitted that they couldn't support my financial expenses for school. If I can't do anything, it means I'm just another burden.

I cannot find another job due to how the system treats "high school graduates" as the basis of employment. I'm in my last year of high school and nothing has ever gone well ever since I went home from a trip to relieve myself from all of the stress that I had been enduring for the past year. The day I went home was when my employer decided to fire me due to "too much in stock"

Instead of my parents doing their responsibilities of giving me support, they just admitted straight to my face that all of what I've been through was for nothing. One parent doesn't want to work again and the other is a cigarette addict who spends ⅔ of the total household income on cigarettes.

The school on the other hand had been nothing but stressful. The teachers would not listen to my reasons and accept their flaws. Blaming me always for their inconsistency of accountability. No matter how hard I tried, I could not speak my thoughts.

Due to unemployment, I wasn't able to eat properly or drink my medications which worsened my condition. The only way to ease my mind to the whole ordeal was to walk for an entire day without returning home until the next day because I really don't want to go home just yet, but I couldn't because I have no money to support myself.

Then I visited a mental health center a week ago due to a follow up check up along with one of my parents. I wanted to rest, so I asked for a medical certificate. That is when I was diagnosed with F32.2/major depressive episode (no psychosis). And when I was about to give the medical certificate to my school, they announced that the students are required to do work immersions which would start in about a month. That announcement made my parents not want me to submit the medical certificate because they're afraid it would affect my grade (Which I know it is). So instead of me being able to take care of myself, I couldn't because they believe that doing the immersion is better than me trying not to kill myself. Because again, anything I do or won't do is a burden to them.

I finally snapped within when my parents said: "You cannot control the factors outside your life and you have to live with that. So be grateful and stay humble or else everyone else will misunderstand you." earlier today.

I know that I cannot control my environment but them saying that is just hypocritical after admitting that they cannot help me fight my struggle that they themselves caused. That made me draw a blade into my arm after five months of trying to be better at myself. No matter how hard I try to escape my suffering, I am always stuck with the life I had. And them saying that just made me draw the line.