snoop dog sad dance gif

I don't know or care if you see this. it's not for you. it's for me, to say things i didn't feel i could say to you, because either you were so focused on just getting with me and not understanding me you didn't want to listen to it, or i didnt feel able to. but, i'm going to now, because i want the feelings to exist outside of my head.

the playlist i made wasn't meant to be hurtful or cruel. it wasn't a punishment, or to make you feel like you're what ever cruel things you might feel like. it was me trying to express what losing you actually felt like for me.

i didnt leave because i hated you or wanted to be mean or stopped loving you. i left because i loved you and staying with someone who lied to me and hurt me is something i demanded myself to not do. these past weeks, i wasnt talking to you because i wanna date you or wanna be with you. i just wanted to see you happy. that is what i wanted. and i wish so much that your goal was to see me happy, too. i wish when we talked i got the feeling that you just wanted us both to be happy. i think that is all i needed to just feel like you actually care about me and not just miss the stuff i offered you.

i listened to your playlist, because i wanted to understand you. same reason i went to bpd meetings when i dont have bpd, same reason i talked to you today. i dont know what version of love youre so obsessed with having from me, but if you gave me the love ive been giving you these past few weeks, things would be different. but you dont, you dont understand it, and you dont want to. if you did, your immediate reaction to me making a playlist for you in turn wouldnt be repulsed or angry or depressed and asking me to delete it. it'd probably be trying to understand me, as i tried to understand you. i know it hurts to hear. i heard your pain and your regret and your perspective through the music you had, and even if it sucks, i listened because i just wanna understand. i wish you did too.

it feels like there is no space for mine. for me. there's just this version of my feelings or my words that you want so badly, and it's the ones where i forgive you and come back. how i feel is still there, im sorry it isnt the feelings you want. man i loved you so much and so deeply, youll never understand even the tip of it. and you can say thats unfair, i dont care. you have no idea. i loved you so much that im here now, writing this shit at 3.38 am instead of sleeping for work. i talked to the person that hurt me that much for weeks now, because i wanted to see them moving forward, happy, forgiven. i never yelled at you. i bawled my eyes out to your best friend the night i found out, and then i stopped talking to all of them, and didnt intrude on your circle at all despite the mutuals we had just relaying everything i did say right back to you. it feels like its always me trying to love you in the ways i wish you loved me, and you loving me in the ways i love pretty art online.

i hope some day you understand that losing you was not easy for me. it was the hardest thing i have ever and likely will ever accept. im not running away because you meant nothing to me, i just have to honor the part of me you hurt because if i don't, i'm not worth this world anymore, and i want to be. i have forgiven you dozens of times. i dont want you to be sad or anything else. i wanted you to understand a little more, how things are in my head. i have to accept that im walking away disappointed, because you cant. just like you might say, acceptance isnt approval. but it's what we've got.

i hope you heal. i hope you forgive yourself, and become someone youre proud of. i also hope i heal, too. and i hope i can be heard even if by some random ass dude that stumbles upon this shit somehow if anyone can even see it, and he thinks to himself, dang man, it gets better. i hope it does.
man, i loved you so much, and thats why this is all so damn annoying.
ps. if you do anything, i'd probably do it too. so let's both just keep our cats happy, and forgive ourselves. maybe thats manipulative. oh no. cry about it. bye.