My first post. Hopefully not my last words.

I am sad. For many reasons. Reasons i wish to pen and not utter. I have changed. I can feel it in my skin and bones. But no. I did not even move for them. For them i am still this girl who doesn't know what she wants. Who is in her dreamland lest they know that they took her dreamland away long back. I resort to writing now. I don't vent to people . I don't express. I bottle up emotions too scared to stumble upon hurt again and again. If they are waiting for me to change with all due respect change was the only constant in my life and now i hope for them to change. My threshold has increased. The tears now know how to stay within limits and not overflow in the first flicker of emotion. I am friable and weak and yet i put my last ounce of energy out there to feel ok. When others treat me like i am ok i will act ok i will start believing i am ok. But the truth is now i am walking on this fine line or a rope maybe. One push and i will lose it all. Thought of death visits me now and then. But i know i won't. What am i holding on for? Idk. For others maybe? Just so that i won't hurt people more. I am hurting so much right now. I want to cry. But i no longer wish for arms to hold me because i am not static anymore. I am falling, without hopes of a hand that will catch me at the end of it. I don't see an end, now. Because i know i won't do it to myself. But someday i will start seeing the end. I hope i have this strong stubborn adamant fat belief even then. People would wonder and ask themselves " couldn't she have called me? " but no. Its not their fault. I shut the doors long back. And none of them could do much. People who could were doing what they can. Its just that none of it was what i wanted. What i wanted was a person that never existed. And even if such a person comes forward i would turn him away because what i want may be the solution for me but that doesn't give me the right to put such pressure and weight on someone else's life. So yeah i am stopping my search. I am numbing my cravings. These were like the last piece of life i had in me. Sit tight. Be a good girl. Live? Survive? No. Just don't die. That's the aim. And when you meet death. You may finally find your answer. At least death could hold you