Straight best friend initiated intimacy with me, then told me it felt wrong.

For context, I’m Gay (he’s aware of this) M19, he’s M20 and we’ve been best friends for a while. Recently, I’ve had a crush on him (which he’s also aware of) and we’re pretty homoromantic in how we treat each other, we constantly tell each other how much we love each other before bed, in the morning, and when we leave each other after hanging out. It’s a weird dynamic where he insists hes not gay/bi (and is less affectionate in front of others because he’s said he doesn’t want people to think that about him) but he becomes very jealous about me potentially liking other guys and has said that he “loves how much I love him”.

2 nights ago he randomly asked to see an intimate picture of me, which I sent. He said he felt nervous about it because he “doesn’t like guys, but he likes me” but we continued anyway and sent a bunch of intimate pictures and videos to each other over Snapchat. This is my first ever encounter like this, so I was really happy and I got the impression he was too because he was very enthusiastic during it and told me he was in love with me and whatnot, and afterwards said it made him happy. We did it again the night after and planned to do it in person in the near future, he again took the lead in the situation in asking me to show him certain things and whatnot while he jerked off.

Last night I noticed he unsaved one or two of the snaps, but kept all the others, so I asked him about it and he said that he didn’t like them the day after, which hurt but understandable. Then he started saying that he feels like he’s done something wrong, and that his brain keeps telling him it’s wrong and that he’s not gay and is only attracted to women. He said a bunch of other stuff about how it’s not me, it’s him and that he just doesn’t like guys.

I just can’t wrap my head around it though.. he knew I liked him and this would obviously have emotional repercussions specifically for me because of that and yet he still initiated it both times only to then turn around and say that it feels wrong and he never wants to do it again, and just wants to go back to being best friends. I asked him if he regretted it and he said no and that he meant everything he said to me when we were in the act, but he can’t control how he feels about it after. I just feel sad I guess because I never would’ve expected it to happen, I’ve been careful about crossing any boundaries like that and for him to do it and then instantly take it away it just feels heartbreaking idk. He wants us to just go back to how we were but I literally can’t I’m just so confused and upset about it all, like I just feel like I was an experiment? Any advice would be helpful 😕