My boyfriend of 4 years (26M) becomes a cold rude version when he is annoyed and this time it pushed me (27F) to have a panic attack. How much of it is my own fault?

My boyfriend of 4 years (26M) and I (27F) was on an international trip for 9 days with 3 of our friends. After day 6, he started being cranky now and then. I initially let it be because I knew we both were tired. So the pattern was such that he would be pissed at me for an hour or so and then it followed a couple of hour of silence or minimal interaction and then he would talk to me like nothing was wrong. But I wasn’t able to shake off the feeling that things aren’t back to normal and there was still something in his head as we never talked about it and he would just start behaving normally after a few hours. I knew he wasn’t comfortable so I was putting in effort to care for him and make him feel better. By the third day of his bad mood, he directly started fighting with me. As it was towards the end of a 9 day exhausting vacation, i also lost my patience. i lost it to a point that i got a panic attack. he didn't snap out of his negative zone even then. He just kept silent with no apology. He was still in the negative zone when I tried talking about what just happened with me and that made me hit myself multiple times. I understand that I should've regulated my emotions better but him being so cold and distant and pushing over the ledge over a minor thing wasnt something i was able to digest. I'm not able to forgive him for ruining the vacation for me completely.

The last day’s fight was because of this - he kept asking me multiple times in the past two days to post Instagram stories for him. I was posting my own stories but didn’t post his. So he extrapolated that to think that I don’t care about the one thing he was requesting me to do. I have very bad attention span with completely tasks. I need to plan things to perfection before doing anything. So what seems like a simple thing for him is not a simple task for me. Posting my own content is relatively easier because the planning portion is already sorted in my head. He says it’s little to do with the actually task but more to do with me ignoring his multiple request. Adding to my defence, we were also in an extremely cold location and I was not feeling okay at all. Nevertheless, this topic just feels too stupid in my eyes for him to have made a huge deal about. I was just not able to digest that he was willing to ruin our trip over this and push me to a point of a panic attack.

More context - We have been together for 4 years and we are from India. We have had such fights before where I bring up something and he goes to this defensive and cold zone. To he feels less himself when he is in that zone. It sometimes takes him hours or days to snap out of it. He is so cold during that period that I feel like I’m talking to a stranger. This makes me feel really scared and left alone to fend for myself. It was worse during the initial 2 years of our relationship. We worked on it and our fights were really better. Recently he told his conservative parents about his plans to marry me. We both are from different religions background and in our culture it is important for parents to be on board with who you are marrying. His parents are against this and have been putting a lot of pressure and emotional blackmail on him. So recently these fights have gone back to how bad it was before. I’ve been trying my best to accommodate it but now it has reached a point of me getting a panic attack. More than that, this time the fact that I had to explain myself and how my brain works (even though he knows it and it is something that gives me a lot of anxiety at work) and why I couldn’t do what he asked me to do, has hurt me too much. I had taken this vacation to feel a break from the intense anxiety I feel at work and because of a few other life events. I feel like this ruined all the positivity I felt the past week. It even pushed it further for the worst. We reached back home yesterday and there is still no good conversation about it. I broke down multiple times because of it and he says he isn’t ready to talk about it.

My past experience with hurting myself and panic attacks - There was one relationship in the past (10 years ago) that I had resorted to self harm to cope with but I ended it because the way we fought was way too toxic with no improvement over the years. In this relationship too in the beginning when he used to be extremely cold during fights I had done the same but eventually we worked on our fighting style enough that everything was really good. I have noticed that I resort to it when I’m not able to get through to a person at all and they are very evidently hurting me. When it is my fault, there is no fight. All I do is apologise and make up for it. But when it’s him hurting me, he just doesn’t understand until I lose myself. My panic attacks started because one friend of mine started guilt tripping me because I wasn’t able to be there for him the way he wanted when he was feeling suicidal. I’ve had minor panic attacks afterwards because of my relationship fights even after I cut off that friend.

I am not able to understand how much of it is my own doing/fault. I know I should be able to regulate my emotions better but is there any part of it that is my boyfriend’s fault. I am not able to forgive him for ruining the peace I had and also for me having to explain myself to him the way he expected. I never thought after 4 years of being together I would have to explain myself for such a silly thing. And he couldn’t give me basic benefit of the doubt that I’m not avoiding his request because I don’t care about him. Also because I was doing plenty of things for his service to make him feel better. I feel like I can’t handle his cold rude version and that version is making me lose myself. I’m tired of being the person who initiates all difficult conversations. And I’m tired of being let down multiple times. I know for a fact that he will take his sweet time but will come back to me with apologies when he realises his mistake. But he never reaches out when I need it. He reaches out with apologies once I’m done dealing with it myself and that apology means nothing.

P.S. The relationship is near perfect if not for this thing and another one. He is a great boyfriend when he is okay. It is only problem when he is in that cold zone. It almost feels like he is a different person. It is rare but this time as it got pushed to this extend I’m worried.