Testing 123

I don’t want to assume you like me too. I’d be so embarrassed to get it wrong. Sometimes I think you’re sending very loud and clear signals but then my stupid brain filters it and decides I am being delusional. But I need you to know this, just in case.

I need you to know I remember every word you say. Even things that seem unimportant are dissected. I remember the most neutral interactions between us because I think somehow the pacing of your breath said everything your mouth couldn’t say. Sometimes I think that thing you shared online wasn’t an accident, it was specifically addressed to me. And I do nothing with that information because I know how closely it gets to “delusional.” So when you show up in a new scent, even if my brain wants me to think it is for me, I refuse. When we haven’t spoken in forever, I tell myself it’s because you’re trying to heal because being too close makes it too hard. When you are genuinely out having a good time I can’t help that my brain is framing it like you’re showing me you’ve moved on. But my brain also can’t help but think you secretly haven’t and when you go home and take off the costume and mask? You’re going to think about me like I think about you.

Do you really like me? Are these actually signs? Are you really just shy? Nervous that you’ve gotten it just as wrong as I think I have? Are you screaming into the void hoping I see something that resonates and gives me courage to actually try? These are the thoughts that consume you and mostly I hope they don’t consume you. I hope your life is as good as you make it out to be. But a selfish part of me hopes you’re just as miserable in love with me as I am with you.