Advice? Managing labour as a neurodivergent couple

TLDR: How do I get my fiancé to do more chores?/How do we manage our labour better?

Note: This post is to look for advice, and not for criticism of my relationship. Leaving out niche identifying information. I apologise for how long it is.

The issue:

We moved into our own home a few months ago, after living in his parents’ place for a year. When we lived with his parents, we only had to clean our bedroom, bathroom, and kitchen after use. His mother handled the rest of the house. I did find myself doing the vast majority of the cleaning during my days off work, but it was manageable. I was at home more frequently, and it didn’t take all day, so I was able to spend one day deep cleaning and the next day relaxing. I was not doing my MSc at the time. Now that we live together, the pattern continued, but now we’re in a 2-bed, 2-bath, and I’ve started my MSc.

When we both get back from work, we’re both shattered for different reasons. His is physical, and mine is a mental drain. Neither of us wants to clean the house even a little bit. It’s challenge enough to cook. He said he would do the cooking, as I’d taught him how to cook at his parents’ house, but he sometimes needs guidance. Other times he says he is too tired and we should get a takeaway, so I end up cooking it to make sure the ingredients don’t go bad. Therefore, the kitchen, dining table, laundry baskets, etc are left as is until I have a day of work, and I start bulk cleaning. The mess stresses me out, but doesn’t seem to bother him at all; he could live in it unbothered. I can’t. The mess irritates me, but also makes me feel guilty, as the cleaning is supposed to be my task. There is a lot more involved in cleaning than cooking, in my opinion. With university work on top, and being pressured into overtime, I am at a breaking point. I go to work sometimes in the last of my clean clothes because I can’t keep up with laundry on my own. Every month or so I have a meltdown and tell him I can’t live like this long term.

I have tried to make things easier for him by buying more laundry baskets and small bins, and placing them where the mess builds up, which did work. I used to leave the full bin bags by the front door for him to take out, but this didn’t work. I want them gone asap, so now I take them myself. If I ask him to put the wet clothes on the clothes horse while I’m at work, he will do that. I have had this conversation with him several times; I even bought the deck of ‘fair play’ cards. He understands and does seem to care genuinely, but I think he doesn’t have the motivation that I do. I was very similar when I was unmedicated, so I understand. He doesn’t look at the mess and come up with the idea to sort it himself. He also struggles to get off his phone/games when it’s his only free time. So, I understand, but someone has to do it, and why should it all be me? I will note that he never tells me to do the chores, never guilts me for not doing them, and doesn’t pull any malicious compliance bullshit.

I have considered going down to part-time hours and picking up bank work when we’re low on money. Alternatively, I could request to condense my hours into a 3-4 day week, working 9.5 to 11.5 hour shifts. I am writing a proposal for this at the moment. Therefore, I’d have more time at home to study, keep on top of chores, and won’t lose my mind.  It is not common in the lab, but there is one other member of staff who has condensed hours. She said it is under our policy that they cannot reject a proposal without a legal basis. I could also argue it is a disability amendment since I am struggling. I have also considered reassigning him chores until I find something he will actually do and stick to. Or, a chore chart, but that seems infantilising for us both. I have told him he needs to get medicated, but that’s easier said than done. I am looking for some advice based on this issue and how to work our ADHD/ASD household.

Context for myself:

​I (F26) have ASD and medicated ADHD. I have worked a hospital laboratory job for the last 3 years, doing 7.5-hour shifts anywhere from 7 am to 10 pm, Mon-Sun. We are also chronically short-staffed, so I am frequently asked to work overtime or switch to a late shift, and peer-pressured into it. I can have physically taxing tasks, but it is mostly mentally taxing. I sometimes find it challenging because I need to communicate with people all day. The lab can be noisy with irritating repetitive sounds. I sometimes have meltdowns, sobbing and being removed from the lab, but this is usually when I’m being criticised or have made a mistake. These little things build up, and one calm communication from a higher up about a mistake will send me off.  I have become more resilient to this the longer I’ve been there. People frequently ask me to do extra work, like audits. Things that the next pay band up should be doing. I thought this would help me get promoted, but I keep getting disregarded for people who don’t work nearly as hard, and barely seem to care. Don’t get me wrong, I really enjoy my current job/band/position/tasks, and feel a lot of motivation when I’m there, which led me to start my MSc to progress further within this lab. I cannot drive, and my transport is a 15-minute bus ride. I do a niche type of exercise and take a class once a week. ​I have equipment at home to practice, but it’s buried under piles of mess. This leaves me with 1-2 days free a week. When I get a day off work, I use it to either study, do extra unpaid work (audits, etc.), or deep clean the house. I do take a couple hours to myself sometimes. I struggle to focus on being productive if he is also home. When I have nothing to do, I feel bored, and I hate being bored and unoccupied.

Context for him:

My fiancé (24M) has unmedicated ADHD. I suspect some ASD as well, but undiagnosed.  He works from 8 am to 5 pm, 5 days a week, spanning Mon-Sat. His job is niche but very physically taxing (mechanics). This also includes a lot of driving, and his work is 40 minutes away from home. He predominantly works in a small group and is known for the quality of his work. I can vouch that his direct manager treats him like shit, refusing his breaks and being clearly rude and spiteful, making his job harder for the fun of it. The days he works in the larger group doing less niche tasks, he is the important one, leading the team who seem incompetent compared to him, from what he tells me. He sometimes works on call on a Sunday. He does a very niche sport and goes to training once a week; Sunday is his day off. I tried this once, and it is extremely difficult. This technically leaves him with 0-2 days free a week. When he has a day off, he sometimes goes to a friend’s house to work on cars, or typically stays at home and relaxes. Somehow, when he goes out for the day, he doesn’t manage to get home until it’s time to pick me up from work, and therefore has done no household labour. He manages all of our bills, insurance, phone calls to the council, etc.