I don’t think I’ll ever get to experience “trans joy”

Context; I tried transitioning nearly a decade ago, gave up, and only got back on HRT this last winter.

And after failing that first transition attempt, I think I lost the chance to experience “trans joy.”

All those “firsts” of starting HRT. Noticing softer skin, boobs starting to come in, hips filling out. Smaller things like emotions, being able to cry, etc.

I went through most of that 9 years ago, sure. But… it was all marred by other things. I was forced to hide most of my changes because I was told my school would be dangerous. I was really depressed, and got into a vicious cycle of starting and stopping hrt which probably made it and the effects worse. I only ever got to go out fem with other people 4 times when I was trying to transition last. Only one of those even in makeup and actually looking fem. Another time, people thought it was a costume. Another I couldn’t even stand the pictures of that day, let alone now. Genuinely want to classify those pictures as traumatic because of how often I think of them.

That whole first attempt, all my firsts, all that potential joy, got kinda robbed and tainted by other feelings. I even managed to ruin my first day of HRT.

And now? Well, Im not even noticing changes anymore. And the occasional, small ones I do are more “eh, I remember these.” Going out fem is at best ‘fine’, and at worst just panic inducing. I don’t really vocalize this well at my therapy appointments, but I don’t even feel like a trans woman any more. Any joy, any desire to actually transition or be a trans woman has gotten sucked away during these attempts. It’s just grueling now. It’s work. It’s this attempt at trying something because I keep getting told it’s the only solution. But I can’t shake how I feel. And frankly, I feel robbed. I’m still not over not getting to be a cis woman. And even if I do make peace with that, I don’t think I’ll be able to make peace with the fact I seemingly can’t experience the joys of being a trans one either.

It’s isolating, frankly. And I don’t know what to do anymore. Trying to transition socially just makes me feel worse. And before anyone says “you don’t need to!”, it’s not because I don’t want to. But with this body, I really don’t feel like I can. Seeing pictures of myself at 13 even sends me into a spiral, knowing I never had a chance. And it makes seeing those actually experiencing the joys of transition so difficult.