A different kind of narcissism.

Hi everyone I am 29F. I live with my mother for now. In our society (South Asian), this is very common. My dad works in another town nearby.

Now, coming to my mother. She has caused so much damage to my self esteem and my life in general which she pretends to be oblivious to. She is a retired high ranking bureaucrat.

Few things my mother did through out my childhood and teenage years -

1. She made me drink saffron milk when I was 10 years cause she said I wasn’t fair enough. Now I am not dark or tan, I have a light wheat skin tone. But since she was very pale, I wasn’t pale enough for her. And she started to straighten my curly hair since 5th standard.

2. I lived with my grand parents (her parents) and my aunt (her sister) as she was always transferred all over the country. So when she would come during holidays, she would incessantly pass comments on my appearance and weight. She would call me names infront of other people, Infact especially in front of other people. When I was around 11 I wanted to buy the hip and cool baggy adidas pants and I asked her if I could at a store and she looked at me, scanned me up and down and in front of other customers and store attendants shouted- if you wear that, the taxi drivers will ask for the fare of two. Cause that’s how fat you have become. She would continue to say things like -you have disgusting big thighs like a hippo in front of other people especially strangers. And lemme be clear about one thing, I wasn’t obese. Maybe borderline overweight but definitely didn’t look obese. But the way she would make me feel… well…like I was the most disgusting looking girl in the world.

3. Few of my earliest memories is her tearing the page I gave her where I had written a story. As a 6 year old often does. She has said I can’t become a stupid writer. And she burned my paintings since my hobby was painting, as I wanted to go to a painting competition at our school on a holiday. And she said it interfered with my studies.

4. During holidays, we never ever go anywhere. I would watch the house as my parents went to work. I was told to watch tv from 9 am to 4pm. Every single day of my summer and winter break. My parents would fight a lot and I was always asked to choose between them by both of them. It often got physical. My mom would kick and throw things and say the horrible things and my dad would fight and hit back. All my festivals were spent like this.

5. In fact, when they would go on vacations a lot, somehow it would always be during a week of my school exams or on school work days. And they’d say it’s cause they didn’t want me to miss school. I was in elementary and middle school. And I stayed with my maternal grandmother and aunt (her sister), who well, were fine but if I threw a tantrum over small things like a child does sometimes, they’d tell me things like ‘Your parents left you cause they don’t care about you. They roam around leaving you here cause they wanna still enjoy a child free life. We are feeding you so shut up.’ So all i understood since childhood was to study, cause minimum trouble and stay as quiet as I could be.

6. Now I was bullied and ostracised at school as well. But that’s a whole another story. I found it so hard to make friends. I wasn’t allowed to invite or go to any birthday parties or go to play with my friends. My grandmother would say - Only characterless girls go out of house for fun. Yup, that was my childhood and adolescence. I wasn’t allowed to laugh loudly or even.., well.. have a hobby. I was learning guitar and getting good at it and then when my mother came back, she broke it and instructed me to focus on studies.

7. One of my other earlier memory of my mother is when I had a good friend in school for whom I wanted to give a Christmas card so I asked if I could buy one. I selected one nice one and bought it. When my mother saw it , she got furious. She screamed that I always choose my friends over her and that I don’t know her value and that she should die to make me learn a lesson. She tore it and threw it in the dustbin.

8. When my grandmother passed away when I was 16 and I stood 4 th in class due to her passing away happening just a few weeks before my finals, she said this and I am saying it verbatim- You have become so fat and useless that the fat is getting in your skull and making you dumb.

9. Once when I begged her and my dad to take me to a ‘vacation’ to a nearby city which was around 3 hours drive, she agreed after saying things for about an hour and the first thing she did was make me stand near a dumpster near a river ..yup.. and took a photo of me and said - there is your vacation. We spent next 2 days at a cheap motel …. Not going anywhere as my dad wanted to watch tv… I remember feeling at least I went somewhere outside my house…..A sense of weird happiness then which has now become a very bitter memory for me….

College -

I finally managed to get to a top college out of my state and much drama and convincing, was allowed to go. College was the best years of my life. I got fit, enjoyed my hobbies, had an amazing social life. It was like living after years of just existing and observing.
When she saw my positive changes my mother said it was cause of her ‘humiliation’ that pushed me to be the best version of myself, it wasn’t. Staying away from her constant prying eyes bloomed me.

On my graduation day… well I got an expensive traditional outfit from my own stipend as I was an intern already. And she comes and tells me to wear a dress which I refuse as I didn’t want to. During the ceremony, in front of everyone, she screams- ‘You look like an old hag. People will mistaken you for your friends’ mother cause that’s how old and fat you look. If you had only listened to me.’ I have gone back to the hotel where she was staying and I was with her, crying. I couldn’t take a single photograph cause of how deeply humiliated. The next day, I confronted her. She then cries infront of everyone at the hotel breakfast buffet and says- ‘You’ll only know my value when I die. Instead of being thankful for a mother, you’re making it about yourself. You’ll have more moments like graduations in your life but you only have one mother. I should’ve died instead of your friend’s mother (who had recently passed away due to cancer), then you’d know my value. Someday you’ll know.’

Post college-
I worked for sometime but came back home for some exam preparation. Now things have gone from bad to worse.

1. So my mother doesn’t let me wash my underwear or do my dishes or make my bed. If I wake up and go to washroom to freshen up, she will sneak into my room and make my bed. I have told her several hundred times not to, but according to her I don’t make my bed well. She doesn’t let me wash my own underwear. Yup. And if try to wash them and dry them, she will re wash them for some reason. She snatches my dirty plates from my hand and washes them. We have had very bad fights over it and it has escalated to the point where she said she will kill herself if I don’t comply. This is simply…. I don’t have words to describe it

2. A few months ago I had some health issues and was visiting hospital daily. The doctor had suspected something severe heart related (but it turned out to be panic disorder for which I was managed). I was so stressed. And while going to the Hospital, my mother shouts in front of my whole apartment complex, out in public. She screams- ‘You are carrying your hospital file in your hand because you want the whole world to know you’re sick.’ Now that was all I had done. Carried my file in my hand. She then starts to scream at me- ‘If not for me your father would’ve left you and married a second wife and you’d have a dog’s fate, you don’t know my value. You don’t appreciate it. You would’ve lived like a slave.’ I was so mad then I went up to her and told her to shut up. She then starts crying and says - ‘You think you’re the only one sick and suffering !? I am suffering too. I ahve never told anyone but I have liver cancer!’ Now she didn’t have. I then confronted how does she know. She then says that she thought she had cause 30 years ago there was a scar on her liver… her recent blood work and image work were all normal….. I just hated her so much at that moment….

3. She doesn’t allow me to go out of the house without her. Doesn’t allow me to go and meet friends. Now one may think that I am 29 and I can make my own calls. But I hardly have friends and have never had a relationship. I am socially quite stunted. And my college friends are all out of state people. So once I met my school friends and came home at 6pm… my mother stood at the door… and starts to scream-‘The whole society thinks you’re a characterless woman. Which good house woman goes out till late evening!’ She made me go on my knees and beg her to let me in. Then threatened me to not go out again… without her…

4. I once suggested that I wanted to join a gym… she was okay with it on one condition… she would come and sit and watch me through the entire sessions…..
   I am preparing for some exams and I do freelance work as well. I once decided to go to a nearby cafe to do the work for 3-4 hours and she came with me inspite of me asking her not to. And sat looking at me throughout.

5. Once I brought up my childhood bullying and all she said was- ‘It was not only you who was suffering. My marriage was failing too. ‘ I then told her I was a child, a kid of 7 years old, eating lunch alone by herself cause she was ostracised. She then says - ‘That’s nothing. I was alone too. I only had your aunt.’ So the Olympics of victimhood never ever ends.

6. Oh inspite of her doing things by her own admission, she then shouts that I treat her like a personal slave. Like….what even….
   She has no friends, no relatives stay in touch with her and she doesn’t stay in touch with anybody. Our house has had not a single guest ever. I tell my dad sometimes about some of the things she does and he…. He sounds happy that she isn’t living with him.

I have tried to understand her… see if you know those things about patriarchy and all that but no… she has had a very fulfilling long career, took voluntary retirement and still gets very high pension. She is beautiful by conventional metrics, my grandmother worked and was always supportive of her. She did and still does whatever she wants to. So I don’t understand why she is the way she is. My dad is a decent father. He broke up most ties with his family and he hardly even visits them after my mother kept complaining about how ‘evil they are’. I don’t have a single cousin in my life. I only know a handful by name and that’s it. We don’t have any family friends or relatives. My friends never come over so idk what more she wants from me.

I have learned to ignore her for my own mental health. Hopefully this phase will get over soon and …. Then I can finally breathe. The isolation gets to my head sometimes these days. I become cranky but when she finds me like that, my mother throws the biggest tantrum. She storms out of home at 10pm. Refuses to answer her calls. Made me run frantic looking for her. All cause I didn’t talk nicely to her and she felt ‘disrespected’. She slams doors and throws food down the sink. Well… I go on therapy sessions cause I would have gone mad by now otherwise. I don’t smoke or drink and I don’t have the conventional vices so according to my mother the worse things I do are closing my door at night and wearing black shirt. She has cried and created scenes to make sure I keep my door open and not wear black. She even suggested that I should sleep next to her and my dad.

Anyway idk if this qualifies as textbook narcissism as she doesn’t verbally use abusive words or abuses me physically. It took me a long time to understand this is also a form of narcissistic abuse. Hence the title. Sorry for long post.

TLDR- A 29-year-old woman is documenting her experience living with a highly toxic, narcissistic mother who escalated from childhood body-shaming and isolation to controlling behavior and faking terminal illnesses. After returning home following college, the user reports the mother is undermining her health crises to gain attention, showcasing a pattern of extreme emotional manipulation