31-year-old Black guy from Toronto — fear of approaching women has contributed to a crippling addiction to escorts and it's destroying my life and confidence

I’m writing this because I’m genuinely tired of living like this and need advice from men who have actually overcome severe approach anxiety.

I’m a 31-year-old Black man in Toronto, around 6’4”, in good shape, employed with a great company (I WFH remote), and generally functional in every other part of my life. On paper, I don’t think I should be completely hopeless with women. But when I see a woman I’m attracted to in public, I freeze.

I convince myself she doesn’t find me attractive. Despite being in the gym 4x a week I have fallen down a looksmaxxing blackpill rabbithole to the point where because I don't get obvious IOIs from women I assume I'm not their type, they find me facially unattractive, etc. I think I’ll make her uncomfortable, that I’ll look desperate or creepy, or that I need some obvious signal before I’m “allowed” to speak to her. Most women don’t give me obvious eye contact or signs, so I use that as an excuse to do nothing.

I’ve spent years avoiding rejection instead of developing the ability to approach, flirt and handle whatever response I get. The result is that I have almost no organic dating life. Dating apps have also been inconsistent and frustrating, which reinforces the belief that attractive women simply don’t want me.

The darkest part is that I started using escorts as an escape. Instead of facing my fear and learning how to meet women normally, I could pay for immediate sex and temporary validation. That behaviour has cost me thousands of dollars, damaged my confidence and created a cycle of loneliness, urges, acting out and shame.

I first saw an escort when I was extremely young, and this pattern has followed me for most of my adult life. I’m now approaching 32 and realizing that I cannot keep doing this. I don’t want another decade of paying for intimacy while being terrified to introduce myself to a woman in a mall, bar, café, festival or social event.

I’m not asking for pickup lines or someone to tell me to “just be confident.” I need a concrete system for getting comfortable approaching, dealing with rejection and building an actual social and dating life. I’m willing to attend classes, go to events, practise consistently and be held accountable. I just need to stop retreating into avoidance every time the fear hits.

Has anyone here overcome a similar level of approach anxiety or an addiction to escorts? What did you do practically? How did you structure your weeks and force yourself to take action without making every interaction feel like a life-or-death test?

If you’re in Toronto, if you're in Canada, or even if you're another Black guy who understands social dynamics, and you’re experienced with approaching respectfully, feel free to message me. I could genuinely use someone to practise with or provide accountability.

I’m not looking for judgment or encouragement to keep seeing escorts. I’m trying to end this pattern and build a normal life.