Want a muscleman, E?

E, we all know you read this. You want a boyfriend with big muscles? Well here's some free advice from an actual bodybuilder on why no muscleman will ever, ever want to touch you with a fifty-foot barbell.

1. You have no discipline. Bodybuilders (which you call "muscles mans" as you lack basic communication abilities) are defined by DISCIPLINE. Something you utterly lack. We train hard and consistently. We eat carefully and in regimented fashion. We go to bed early. We drink a lot of water. We steer clear of alcohol. We take pride in our appearance. We force ourselves to go to the gym in the freezing depths of winter, or when we're so tired we don't know our own names. We force ourselves to do one more set, one more rep, when all we want is to sleep. Because we are working hard to end each day a little bit better than when we woke up. You, meanwhile, lack anything resembling discipline, focus, or consistency. Every aspect of your life is characterised by chaos.

2. You are lazy. You have NO idea what it takes to grow and maintain muscles. We train consistently, often very early in the morning or late at night - when you are either asleep or drunk. We plan and prep our meals, we cook constantly, we force down another mouthful of brown rice and broccoli. We don't order takeaways and we don't eat even one serving of cake. We weigh a hell of a lot because we work hard. You weigh a hell of a lot because you can't be arsed.

3. You do not sacrifice. You are nearly always drunk. You cannot save money. You cannot defer gratification. We don't enjoy eating chicken and broccoli six times a day, and we'd like to gorge on cakes and wine as well. But we choose to sacrifice instant pleasure in favour of later greatness. You do not.

4. You show zero interest in any topics besides yourself. Bodybuilders can have repetitive conversations, yes. Protein and poundage can make dull talking-points for outsiders, but this is our life. We are passionate and obsessed, and if you want a meathead you need to be willing to talk about his passion. But if you are unable and unwilling to occasionally indulge him by talking fitness and nutrition, why should he bother with you? You have two topics of conversation - Wicked, and your Pokemon collection of self-diagnosed mental illnesses. Bodybuilders work hard, and they don't want to unwind by listening to someone prattle on about themselves or shriek about nonsense.

5. You do nothing to fight your demons. Few people understand that the bodybuilding community has HUGE levels of trauma and mental health problems. So many people turn to bodybuilding not out of narcissism or arrogance, but because we are fighting our demons (trauma, mental illness, substance abuse), and every session in the gym is a personal victory over the demons, proving to ourselves that we ARE worth it, that we CAN win. You make no effort to fight your demons. You live in a world of delusion, lies, and self-indulgence. We battle our demons. You indulge yours because you want attention. When you see a muscled man, the chances are very high that he is battling his demons - he is not going to want someone who feeds the demons.

6. You are frankly hideous. Yes, we look ridiculous. Yes, we're obsessed with appearance. We have muscles that many people find grotesque. We have improbable tans, we whiten our teeth, we parade around on stage in a tiny speedo in the hope of winning a plastic trophy worth a tenner. We swagger and we wear revealing clothes and we can be extremely obnoxious. We're vain and narcissistic and frankly weird - but we have something to show for it. You're vain and narcissistic and frankly weird - and all you have to show for it is a gut the size of Japan and a pair of gardening clogs. We swagger to show off what we sweat and sacrifice and suffer to build. You swagger because you've had three Buzzballs and half of Colombia.

Give it up, Elphaba. You have none of the traits that a meathead wants. You are filthy, greasy, and unkempt. You are cruel, selfish, and boring. Your skin looks like week-old rice pudding. You have the physique of a Neanderthal with diabetes. You probably smell like a full wheelie bin left in the sun. Look at the women who are married to Samson Dauda, Derek Lunsford, Hadi Choopan, Nick Walker. Women who share their man's passion in life, and sacrifice alongside him. You will never, ever, EVER, do that.