Navigating as an adult & Infidelity

Hello everyone- I'll try to keep this concise.

Contains: chronic illness, anxiety disorders, infidelity.

I'm 26f and trying to navigate understanding my cocsa experience.

I've always known it happened, but swept it away to deal with another time- until a year ago, I was confronted by a chance work safeguarding training, with the name "cocsa" as a label for what I'd experienced, and then I couldn't ignore it. I've since spoken to some close loved ones and a counsellor about my experience, but I still find it hard to relate to words and phrases like "survivor", "victim", "trauma". Even saying "my experience" makes it feel closer to home than I'd like. The above words make it seem like a violent fight I scraped through and not a very quiet, complex and disordered situation with dysfunctional family.

I just can't believe how complex it is. Something I thought was so throwaway and easy to ignore has contributed to OCD, Selective Mutism, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and I'm only just realising as an adult the impact, which in itself is hard to navigate and come to terms with.

Some of these anxiety disorders have been incredibly debilitating in the past and taken years from me but I'm really pleased that through my own hard work and trial and error I can manage them.

Unfortunately minor uncomfortable flasbacks to my experience has been triggered again due to my long term partners out of character one time infidelity. Please do not comment negatively on this. It is very complex and we are actively working on reconciliation. I am also seeking peer support in the relevant Reddit forums.

I think it's hard to navigate all of this, and the cocsa is just another murky and uncomfortable layer to try and wade through everyday. It doesn't control my life, just uncomfortably makes a brief mental appearance often that I have to bat away, whilst feeling the physical toll regardless.

I just really wish it never happened back then and I didn't have to fight all my personal battles.