I lose weight then I gain it all back, my cycle doesn’t end

Its been 2 years, My first way of dropping weight was eliminating rice entirely and ate more fiber rich like oatmeal and potatoes for substitute carbs, along with protein heavy meals like chicken and yogurt.

Year 1: Daily intake- 2 meals a day, used to track calories, I was losing weight but at the same time energy was always low and felt like shit so I lift weights and do cardio. I started 98 kg, and in 6 months time dropped to 80 kg. This was my best year ( at least i thought it was because I dropped to 78 kg), I thought I was happy but my body felt like shit, even when I started running more often.

Year 2: This is where school got more stressful, more things to stay up studying and I just lose energy, i started developing vices, I ate a lot and smoked a ton. I noticed this before already and I always come back on track. I’d gain 4kg from binge eating and then realize too late now I just quit eating entirely for a day cause I’m afraid of going back to being heavy.(which I did). It didn’t matter at the time cause i decided to starve myself while doing something else to help beat the craving and i initially lose the weight again.

Now I go back home to my family done when done with school and guess what, I eat again, just eat eat eat whatever I see in the fridge, and I never notice or care whenever I’m home because it just makes me happier and less stressed. Until I weigh myself and see that I got back to 88kg.

I want to give up cause no matter how much effort I do to lose, I gain it back anyway in a day or month. A Year of progress and I throw it down the drain like usual.

TLDR: I hate myself, I can’t control myself and relapse over and over no matter how much I try to lock it away. Why can’t I just stop eating. This sucks