Feeling lost at 30

I’m going to sound really sorry for myself, which is probably why I’m posting here and not doing the healthy thing of talking to one of my friends. On paper, life is going well. I have a boyfriend and friends and family who love me. In a fortnight, I’m about to start a job I’ve been trained for and know I will love doing. I’m waiting for news on funding I’ve been shortlisted for, which will hopefully see me direct my own research. I’m finishing a funded PhD. I rent my own flat, and have a wardrobe full of clothes I love which just about means that I’m able to meet the mirror each day with admiration for my body, rather than resentment for what I haven’t done.

I have a chapter draft over a year overdue. I can’t get myself to write my PhD. My boyfriend and I are long-distance; he’s been unemployed and living back home with his parents for nearly a year now, and I worry about our relationship moving forward. To save money, I’ve spent quite a few evenings alone - kidding myself, day after day, that I’ll finally have the time to clean the house, catch up on admin, and write the damn chapter.

Yesterday I fell ill with a stomach bug and everything hit me - I’m not okay, I’m alone. Ultimately, I don’t feel like someone I can depend on. I can’t write, and right now I can barely eat. How do I begin to sort out the mess? How do I know what’s worth worrying about, and what I should let go of?