Breastfeeding grief that I can’t seem to move past

I’m writing this because I’m hoping to hear from other mothers who have experienced breastfeeding grief and eventually found a way to move forward.

I have two healthy, thriving children, and I know logically that how they were fed is no longer important. Emotionally, though, I still feel stuck in the past.

With my first baby, I felt completely overwhelmed by breastfeeding. I was in pain, worried that he wasn’t getting enough, and sent home with a breast pump without feeling that anyone had properly explained what was happening or reassured me that things might become easier. When we supplemented with formula, I initially felt like a failure. But then I saw how content my baby was, and formula helped me regain some confidence. The grief and intrusive thoughts gradually faded.

When I became pregnant again, I told myself I would approach feeding differently. I knew formula was there if we needed it, but I wanted to give breastfeeding another try with more knowledge and support.

After my daughter was born, I initially felt calm and Breastfeeding grief that I can’t seem to move past thought feeding was going well. I supplemented with a small amount of formula one night in hospital when she had been feeding constantly and wouldn’t settle. Later, a lactation consultant told me she might have flow confusion, oral thrush and a posterior tongue-tie. I immediately lost confidence again. I became frightened by the idea of putting my tiny baby through a laser procedure, so the more anxious I became, the easier it felt to give her a bottle.

I pumped as much as I could for around two months, but eventually decided that I needed to protect my mental health and be present for both of my children, so she became fully formula-fed.

I now feel as though I was robbed of an experience I had deeply hoped for. The hardest part is believing that I might have been physically capable of breastfeeding, but that fear, anxiety and a lack of confidence stopped me. Seeing newborns or women breastfeeding can trigger intense sadness, envy and intrusive thoughts.

My loved ones tell me that I’m being too hard on myself, and I know my children are happy and healthy. But knowing that logically hasn’t made the grief disappear.

Has anyone else experienced this, particularly when there wasn’t one clear medical reason why breastfeeding ended? What genuinely helped you stop replaying it and forgive yourself?