I think I’m going to explode

PLEASE READ: I just want to say that I haven’t been diagnosed with depression, eating disorders, autism or anything because I haven’t been to speak to anyone as of yet. So I do not claim any titles and this is just purely the way I feel.

I’ve got no friends in my country, it really hurts me to see other kids of my age getting invited out with their friends and going to stay at their friend’s houses when I’ve never had that with anyone. It hurts to see them having connections that I don’t have. I’ve always been the one by myself. I’ve never been invited over to a friend’s house for a sleepover. Not once in my entire life.
At the site we go to stay at there is barely anything to do and since most kids of my age are out doing their own thing with their friends I’m limited as to who I can hang out with of my own age, so I run around with the smaller kids because I feel like I can make them laugh. Plus, every person who I meet of my own age doesn’t seem to like me and I generally feel like a very unlikeable person. They always seem to take the p out of me because they can tell that I’m different.
I have felt like absolute crap because of a guy as well and all the stuff I went through because of him over the last 3 years getting on for 4 now though I’d rather not get into what happened.
I’m so sick of not having anyone local to me who I can hang out with, I seem to be a burden on everyone who is the same age as me.
I’ve been self conscious about the way I look to the point where I’ve been not eating enough for the last few months. I wish I could walk into a shop and buy a chocolate bar and not worry about it but I just can’t do that anymore, I check the labels on everything and I don’t eat stuff I used to enjoy anymore, I even feel guilty for eating my dinner so I go for a long walk every day. I always look at myself in mirrors.
I’ve felt so down about myself to the point where I lose my temper more often and don’t have as much patience as I used to, so to have my family have a go at me every second of every day just annoys me. They also wind me up and then when I get angry I get told off for it.
I’m tired of being told to control my emotions, being called pathetic over feeling upset about things that have affected me really badly. I’m also tired of being told to deal with it.
Some of the people I speak to online are really entitled and call me things such as “ghoster” and get mad at me because I haven’t replied back in the time they wanted me to. Some days I just don’t feel motivated at all and I’ve apologised and explained this to them yet they still continue to go on at me. I always try to make time for them so we can play but sometimes I just really don’t feel like it.
My room looks “childish” because these are things I enjoy. I don’t see what is wrong with me liking MLP, Sanrio, Pokemon etc, my parents seem to have an issue with everything I like and enjoy.
It feels as if I’m old enough to go to work, but too old to enjoy stuff I like.
I get tired of always being the one to comfort other people but then never receiving any comfort back. Sometimes I just want to be able to cry on someone else’s shoulder the way I let people cry on mine. I really care about people and will do anything for the ones I care about and love the most, but I’ve never had a friend sit down with me and just comfort me and let me open up to them properly. I’d always put in the effort on their Birthdays when I used to have them just for them to never even wish me a happy Birthday on mine. I was their safe person but they were never my safe person.
Today my brother started making comments about my weight and when I asked him to stop my dad started getting the ump with me and saying “I think you need to go and see a doctor because you’ve had this real thing going on with your weight when you’re not even fat.” I can’t speak to a doctor because if I do they’ll tell my parents about everything. I can’t talk to my parents because they don’t understand, and it always gets blamed on me and turns into an argument. I’ve got no one to talk to about anything and I just want to be made to feel like a normal human being by someone and not this defective dumb mess that I am.
I just wish I was important to someone. I wish I could make some friends or a friend in my country who I could just be with, I think a lot of the loneliness gets to me too. I’ve just felt really depressed and I want to feel happy again.
I feel as if my life has no purpose.