Reflection on Death

Upon reflection, the following two points bring the concept of death closer to me—i.e., they actually make me feel the underlying aversion:

• I, this lump of foam, already exist, and I will become non-existent upon death. — aversion to change
• I have no control over when or how I die. — aversion to ultimate uncertainty

Upon further reflection, it occurred to me that there was a subtle tendency to hide from the fact that I exist, as if not facing my current state of existence would allow me to avoid facing the potential change—from existing to non-existing.

The second point is that I have zero control over how I die. The quest for “seeking a meaningful life” was actually an effort to control how I would feel when I die: “When I look back on my life, I want to feel it was not wasted.”

However, I have no direct control over my feelings. No matter how hard I try, I still won’t be guaranteed a certain feeling at the moment of death. So that effort is destined to be unfruitful.

Even suicidal desire is an attempt to control death.

So, the thought of “there is no point in living” can be translated into: “No matter how hard I try, there is no ultimate safety or control over one’s life. This sucks.” — there is suffering being noticed.

The underlying desire behind that suffering is the wish to have control over the uncertainty of death.

So, the suffering comes from my attitude toward this factual uncertainty, not from the uncertainty itself.

The next step, I guess, would be to endure the discomfort of facing this uncertainty and all the urges that arise from trying to get rid of it.