I simply don’t have the energy to become the person I could be

Last year I dropped out of collage, the year I was supposed to graduate, because a couple weeks into it I found out they had put in the wrong numbers for my scholarship, so instead of $23000 I got $3000. So with not enough money I had to drop out. I even had to scrounge up all my savings from working the summer to pay for the few weeks of classes I had taken, since it took so long to figure out what was going on.

Anyways, I kept working on my studies for a bit, following the syllabus for the classes so when I retook them, I would have less work in the future. Well I’m pretty sure there is no new scholarship. I was told they have one lined up for me, they just need confirmation from the administration. Well they haven’t gotten back to me. But I simply am too tired to fight this anymore. I was already struggling enough with school. I hate it so much and only got this far because of the people who are behind me, supporting me. But since I lost the scholarship I simply can’t do anything. I’ve been told by just about every professor I regularly interacted with, that they really believe in me, even have gone as far to say they think I could make it to the very top of my industry. But all that hard work I would do every day, I’ve stopped.

I’ve stopped the only thing that affirmed my value, the thing that made people believe sky is the limit. I’m just don’t care any more, there are sparks of joy and connection, but I don’t have that consistency. I really think I could be great if I just keep working, with or without a degree. But I can’t work. It’s not easy. There has been many times it hasn’t been easy, but never for a whole year. If only I was working with people again, not just treating it all as a discipline.

I miss the feeling, I miss the people, but I simply can’t respond to messages, or seek out the opportunities to grow and enjoy. I’m stuck in the mud and simply cant reach out my hand to the several people offering theirs to help. Either I get my shit together, or I disappoint the people who have believed in me the most in my entire life. They have cried while telling me they believe in me. They have offered theirs shoulders time and time again. Just take the hand, step out of the mud, please. Because they won’t always be there. I’m slowly watching the arms pull away and move on to new things in life, and then I will have to start from scratch.

I just don’t get how I can want my life back so much, yet refuse to answer emails, follow up with opportunities, and do what it takes. I miss having hope.