Iwnbaw. 4 years of hrt, i look like a giga moided moid. It's over imma hrtrep and manmode until i die. I started too late and it's over. Iwnbaw iwabam

If only i know this sub since i was 8, if only i can just start hrt asap and risk getting kicked out, but it's okay since i won't have a life full of suffering. My body won't be raped by testosterone. My body won't be fucking be forever ruined

Several people have helped me get hrt, and i really do appreciate that, i really do. But i feel despair that i didn't know it sooner, or get it asap

When i was a kid i just rep, gymrep, and one time my dumb fuck even thought that doing steroids is gonna save me. I used to hate on trannies and fags in general when i was 4 or 5 or whatever but that's all just me projecting. I never wanted to be grouped with the guys, i wanna befriend a girl, i prefer being friends with girls and all of that in general. I always preferred the girls toys, and ironically i did ask my parents to buy one, how i keep seeking even srs when i was a kid after seeing an ad in this one korean tv channel because i thought "woaaaah i can switch gender too as an adult imma be a girl!!1!1!!!", But i won't ever be a woman. Not in this life time

But everything is too late. I started hrt too late, and i need to bear this consequence the rest of my life. I am too masculine to ever be a woman. I am going to manmode forever and i will never pass. I will be called sir and mister and herr and 帅哥 and buddy bud bud moid moid moid moid every single day. Getting treated as a woman in society is impossible for me, let alone getting a man that sees me as a girl, a fragile need-to-be-protected thing.

I started hrt way too late. My voice is permanently fucked. My body, my face, everything. All hope is lost. Yeah, sure, maybe i can one day get ffs snd srs and all that after fucking income maxxing, but that's not going to fix a giga late shit ancient ogre monster like me. Abd that's even when i get paid well. I get paid, right now, 1-2 or 2.5 usd per day at most.

I will never be pretty. I will never experience the loving hands of a parent that comfort me like a girl. I will never experience girl's childhood. Sometimes i day dream all day using those stupid ass ai roleplay apps, to see what would my childhood be as a woman. How would my school life would be with my friends and maybe a boyfriend. I will never be a woman. I will never be seen as a woman. I will forever be a man, a disgusting hypermasculine ogre monster 99.9999999% top percentile of masculinity, and that's even when accounting men with extreme steroid abuse. Last time i girl moded was months ago, since in this one app you can fill your name whatever u want. Then suddenly a girl went up to me and said "wait let me verify it first". Maybe she does that because i look like a giga moided moid and i put female in that. And then she asked "whats ur name". I fucking cringed and i am so disgusted to say my name, so i just grab my phone and show her.

Dysphoria make me brainrot in bed dissociation maxxing, meanwhile i need to learn a new language to move out abroad. I need to also learn the skills needed and save the money. But how the fuck do i take this all seriously and finally learn properly. Learning it feels impossible and too overwhelming

Maybe in the next life, i will be a cis girl, beinh all happy and jolly in everyday life while only dealing with such relatively trivial matter like maybe my grades, the economy, housing and all of that. With absolutely no need to afford at least 4 mil usd worth of surgeries to live a sub par life. A sub par, partially (20%) fixed, raped-by-testosterone and the y chromosome, body that can't eveb get pregnant or get a period as well

Last time i vented to a bunch of cissoids, and of course they won't emphatize to us. Calling me an overreacting rapey moid moid MOID MOID MOID MOID. FUCK THE ALLIES FOR FUCKS SAKE EVEN ALLIES DON'T SEE US AS A WOMAN

But is it really theit fault? I started too late i started way way too fucking late and now i will never pass and i look hyper masculine. I look like a rapey hypermasculine bioweapon moid

Speaking of rapey, my stupid rapestick and tumor is also somehow getting bigger even when i am on hrt. Because of my rapey moidy moided moid body, thats immune to estrogen and hypersensitive to T meanwhile producing too much T, ineed a monotherapy dose of estradiol+ 50pg/ml and antiandrogens. And my breast doesn't even grow, it is non existent. 4 years of hrt. Good levels.

I wanna study to move out, the language, and all, but repping suddenly doesn't work anymore. I used to even worsen my dysphoria everytime to dissociate and rep and be productive as a man that always ended up in me breaking down at the end of the day but i can't fucking do it anymore. My broke ass still live with my parents and get gendered male male male male every single day while deadnamed over and over and over even my stupid mom that """supports""" me calls me fake woman and calls me a man everytime too, when getting called out, she just switched to a gender neutral language that's clearly forced