these past few days i’ve been feeling really discouraged. it’s like i can feel something really awful coming. i feel like the only way i can cope with everything is by lying to myself a little bit.

i was very depressed from the ages of 17 to 23 (and throughout my teenage years too, but anyway), i was friendless and i wasn’t able to study for a degree, and the one time i tried, i couldn’t save enough money to pay for it. i also gained a lot of weight because of the anxiety i was dealing with, and i was diagnosed with pmos. after that i studied a vocational course to get a better job, but i couldn’t finish it either, although it did help me find a related job (basically caring for people with disabilities). even though i liked it because i felt like i was helping people, it stressed me out so much because of the responsibilities i had. i lost weight pretty quickly, and the whole situation caused me to lose a huge amount of hair and a lot of muscle. around that time i moved in with my ex-boyfriend, who turned out to be a pathological liar and a cheater. even though he never said a bad word to me, he completely destroyed what little self-esteem i had left, and i ended up gaining a lot of weight again. because i moved in with him, i spent a while away from my family since they lived far away. i think all of that was what caused me to have two flare-ups of an autoimmune disease that basically makes my body attack me, not to mention that my back hurts constantly. i eventually left both him and that job, and spent a year processing everything before i managed to find another job, which left me with almost no savings.

this year i got another job in the same field as the previous one but without the physical aspect. even though i like it because i feel like i’m helping people, it also stresses me out a lot. on top of that it’s far from my house, it doesn’t pay very well, and i hate, with every fiber of my being, having to get up every day, live in a city, spend two hours commuting to and from work, take the subway, and talk to so many people every single day. even so, i’m trying to make the best of it. i try to eat well, spend time with the people i love, go to the gym, and i’ve slowly been getting back into the hobbies i used to enjoy before i became so depressed. but a week ago i had another flare-up of this disease, and it’s made me feel really depressed again.

i feel like i’ve aged fifty years over the past decade, and i’m not even thirty yet. at the same time i feel like i haven’t actually had it that bad, and that i could have done so much more, that i’ve just wasted my time, and that i brought myself into the situation i’m in now and even the illness i have, the one that means i’ll have to take medication for the rest of my life that will leave me immunosuppressed. at the same time i don’t know how to make any of it better. i don’t know what to do. i don’t know what i want to do for a living because i hate office jobs. they feel so sterile and awful to me. i’m constantly worried about money. i can’t even afford therapy. i feel like it’s too late to study something, and there isn’t anything that interests me enough to justify spending the money it would cost. i don’t know, i just feel really discouraged.

on top of that, my only addiction is nicotine, and i can’t quit. i know it’s responsible for my health problems. i was planning to quit this week, but i’m scared of how depressed i’m going to get lol, and to make matters worse i’m premenstrual.

anyway, i’m just really discouraged about everything. my dream would be to live in the countryside, have my plants, take in lots of animals, and live a quiet life.

for dinner i’m having pumpkin ravioli with the little bit of cheese i had left in the fridge.

i don’t like the way my life is and i don’t know what to do