dinner: salmon, rice, avocado and asparagus with lime  
My fwb and I started getting closer. I am moving in 10 days. Maybe its brought us closer, but i think she genuinely was/is starting to like me. She has absolutely opened up and become so comfortable and playful with me. It’s been so sweet. It’s not even just sex anymore. Shes met my best friend ive met one of her friends and her sister! Each interaction was so fun. I saw her basically everyday this last week. And this weekend particularly we stayed together the almost the entirety of each day. I stayed over each night. Until monday morning. I woke up and had a bad dream. And it had me really uncomfortable with myself. (DUMB ASF IK) She gets up to get ready and i can’t really muster up any excitement to get up. I brush my teeth and see myself and feel even more uncomfortable. My hair is a mess. (I have curls and pink hair is now orange) and i always feel so gross being there in the mornings since i have no products and have to sleep w wet hair, but it made me particularly insecure this morning. I was super overwhelmed and felt badly about the way i looked. I am feeling not even half of my usual glee. She is in such a chipper mood i watch her get ready and she offers to straighten my hair. And i agree in a sassy manner. For no reason. I do try to perk up and correct myself immediately. She does her makeup and hair and then does mine. The whole time im making little comments not even trusting the process for no reason. I am smiling and reassuring her its looking good but my attitude was too overbearing in the first place. Shes being the sweetest she has ever been to me. She genuinely hated me not even two weeks ago and i was not basking in the sweet moment at all. She gleams and suggests she does my makeup and i agree. (This was on MY BUCKETLIST of things to do w her before i leave) And i am nit oicking her process for no reason being an absolute bitch because im worried her way wouldn’t compliment my features and id look even worse. Shes still being sweet and she starts asking me little questions which i felt were obvious and i was being evil. She wanted to go to some seafood restaurant and asked if could eat that as im pescatarian i was like well yes. Of course i can thats like all i can eat. She does a little face and says you dont need to be rude. It literally felt like i was watching myself do this and i couldnt grab the remote. I snap back and feel terrible. I get up to do my eyeliner in the living room. when i come back after finishing i tell her i shouldve trusted the process and i love it i was just missing eyeliner. Shes locked onto her phone but smiles at me. I apologize and say im sorry im being bitchy you dont deserve that from me and maybe some more. She says its okay, maybe thats just who you are. I crawl out of skin and guilt washes over me completely i am so mean sometimes and i cant even explain why. I say i dont think its who i am. She said well it makes people not want to be around you. We should hangout another day. UGH IM SO STUPID LITERALLY WE HAD THE PERF WEEKEND AND I AM SO MOODY SOMETIMES. So so dumb :( im so frustrated with myself and i should never let emotions or feelings control me. She is older than me and is so quick to completely disengage and detach from situations she does not need to be in. I am literally a dumb moody teen and this will be the death of me. 

i keep fumbling good things