Major Update on Me: On Being Alone and Single

Life is hitting me harder than ever.

Remember my post about me cutting off my romantic relationship? Yup. The heartbreak hit me hard again. I struggle being alone. It is hard. It would result in getting involved with not good company at times. Even if I am surrounded by people, I still feel alone and a stranger. I smile, but it is just a mask that I wear during the day. At night, I remove it and break down.

I know God has someone else planned. I've prayed CONSTANTLY that if it's not from Him, send it away. I sometimes just wanted to give it up. Give up on romance. I've been hurt too many times that I feel EVERY man I meet would not be from God. I even fell into corn from time to time again. I feel like I went backwards where I started. Like I failed. Like I messed up so badly. At church, there's BARELY ANYONE I KNOW. Most of them are either married already or elderly, so dating was out of the question. I feel like a stranger despite being in there for months. I feel so out of place at times, but still hid that side of me. Fear of talking to strangers kicked in me often, I feel childish. I feel like a bashful child hiding because I don't know anyone. Yet, I crave interactions.

I'm just so tired of being alone. Every time I bond with someone and get used to them, I shatter when they leave. I am used to having someone close I could trust. I am used to bonding with someone about our interests and feel whole. As soon as they get taken, I lose that portion of me. If I feel something is saying I'm not supposed to be with anyone and just become a hermit. I don't want to be a hermit!!! I want friends! I want to trust someone! I want bond without the fear they'll be taken away!!! I also feel God could be shielding me from lots of people for some reason. Yet, I feel so isolated from everything, like I'm in a bubble. I feel alone.

I know I'll be getting water baptized for the first time sometime next week. Maybe that's why I'm getting hit harder than normal. Like I feel frustrated and sad by everything going on. Like everything was setting me off. A slight inconvenience = a high risk crash out. I have this feeling all of this may be a massive series of spiritual attacks because I'm getting baptized. I said one day during a rough day at work, "I don't care how much I'm getting hit! I'm still getting baptized!" Everything was calm for a moment immediately. I breathed for the first time during the last hour of my shift.

I am still not alright. It is very hard to bear. I'm trying. I'm waiting. I'm trying to heal. It hurts so much.