Struggling with making a decision (on mutual friends with abusive ex of mine)

Hello everyone, before I start small disclaimer: I hope I am posting in the right place with the accurte 'flair'. I don't use reddit except for very rarely lurking, I'm sorry if I posted in the wrong place. Reddit is still a bit confusing to me 😅

(Warning also for speaking about verbal abuse, I'll give an extra warning at the paragraph.)

Now on to the post.

My question is if I should cut some 'friends' out completely (or as much as possible)?

For context this group of people I currently do not have a lot of interaction with, and while usually after some time contact dissapates and fade out into non-existence, for some reason it never really does with this particular group of friends. Sometimes one will reach out to me out of nowhere just to ask how I'm doing, after that they vanish again.

The one time I actually want things to die out quietly and I can't seem to get that.

There is a certain event that has led me to wonder about this decision of either cutting them off, letting it be, or seeking out more contact ever since it happened, but always at the back of my mind, never really prevalent, but sometimes when out of nowhere I get a message asking how I've been doing, I ask myself this question again.

A couple of years ago I met my ex via this friend group. I thought I could rely on my friends for knowing "who was good for me", as I haven't had much luck with partners.

It was one of the worst decisions in my life.

WARNING as I'll be going into (verbal) abuse by my ex.

My ex and I (both late 20's) were only in a relationship for a couple of months (at about half a year-ish to at most 3/4ths of a year). We were in an LDR (long distance relationship, two different countries), but we had met up a few times.

I'll call my ex Sam (not real name).

In that short time I found out how troubled Sam was due to past abusive experiences with a parent.

I felt bad, but started to notice more and more how Sam never got the proper help as a kid and it was now affecting us both.

As over this short time the following things happened:

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- Reacting explosively to (minor) advice or suggestions which always involved shouting.

- Telling me to not wear certain things like clothing (for clarity one time I said I wanted to wear some nice trousers, Sam didn't even know what they looked like and just said I wasn't allowed to, all of my friends, family and acquaintances find it very normal trousers and not provocative whatsoever.)

- When Sam was sick due to travelling for work, in a video call blaming me for getting sick, specifically shouting "You give me ulcers!" (The doctor he went to even confirmed what he had and it was something that could give ulcers so wtf)

- Once we met up with this group of (mutual) friends, and one of them (calling her Jilly, not real name) gave me a gift of one of my favourite chocolates. She specifically stated it was for me. Later Sam just opened the package and shared the chocolates with everyone there. I was dumbfounded. It was minor, but with everything else that had happened I asked Sam why? "Why not? It was a gift to me by a friend?"

I kept my calm, saying Jilly gave it to me and said it was for me, so that should be my decision. I was sad, because this chocolate wasn't available in my country.

Jilly knew this and she knew it was one of my favs, and that's why she got it for me. Sam didn't even particularly like or had any affinity with this specific chocolate.

Jilly knew I wanted to take it back home and enjoy it there.

I was more upset at the fact that I had to make it clear to Sam why this wasn't ok over a small thing like chocolate, but it would be for naught. On the ride back to the hotel room we were staying for the night, Sam was constantly sulking in the back of the Uber.

- All of my friends know I am fine with them taking pictures of me, but I don't want to be posted online like on random social media. I prefer my privacy. Sam knew this and I made it exceptionally clear multiple times.

Despite this, Sam decided to use a picture of us together for Duolingo. I only found oimut when I was sent a screenshot in which Sam wanted to share achievement.

While I was proud of Sam learning a new language, and I pointed this out forst before anything else, I also pointed out how I saw the profile picture.

Of course, Sam didn't see an issue with it.

I didn't feel comfortable and stated as such, but if it helped motivate Sam to practise languages, I said I would tolerate it, still saying I didn't feel comfortable (mostly because I felt it was done behind my back and wasn't really meant in a cute way).

Sam also posted photos of me on Google Reviews of a restaurant where we had been going to when we met up with the mutual friend group (the same time with the chocolates incident), which I only found out later.

And also blatantly posted publicly on social media to a friend (not my friend) right after our breakup something personal about me that I hadn't yet mentioned to anyone (only a few select people I knew I told, as it wasn't anyone else's business).

Now while I suspect none of our mutual friends would have cared much about knowing this personal fact about me and that it wouldn't have changed anything/much, it still hurt Sam blatantly disregarded me and my privacy time and time again.

- To not go into detail... our intimate moments my fears were completely ignored and I was pressured into... positions I didn't want to be in and could get injured from (and did multiple times).

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Sam had a habit of constantly twisting the truth and events in other ways too, and it was so blatantly obvious to others, but no one spoke up.

When I did I got a handful of shouting saying Im the one wrong.

I was genuinely starting to break down and asked some of our mutual friends if they noticed the odd mental hoops Sam goes through.

Yes! Yes they did, but when asked if they said anything?

No. They didn't feel it was necessary, everyone makes mistakes, and soem of them didn't want to hurt Sam's feelings.

So not only did they never experience "Sam's wrath", but they were in a way actively cultivating bad habits.

As Sam would point out more than once that 'Im the only one who has a problem with this behaviour', genuinely if I hadn't spoken to our mutual friends, I may have just lost my mind.

I was heartbroken Sam couldn't see how damaging this behaviour was to everyone. Perpetuating the behaviour.

I thought I could give a nudge to get some proper help from a therapist.

The only thing I regret is not stepping out of the relationship before Sam ended it.

The only good thing that happened coming from Sam.

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Now back to the friend group.

I have known 2 from this group before even meeting Sam, the rest I met during my relationship with Sam.

Some of these people still contact me.

I doubt they know much besides us breaking up, heck one didn't even know and Sam just told him during this friend's own livestream, which made me feel uncomfortable again, I feel Sam could have messaged this friend privately and said on stream either nothing or mentioned they'll talk about it later.

This point I don't know how to feel about, mostly because I guess it should be ok to say, but based on all the past experiences it made me feel really uneasy.

I don't feel a connection anymore with any of our mutual friends. One I feel has plainly just been trying to use me for his own personal business endeavours, only reaching oit to me whenever it involves his or his family'sbusiness, and only when it solely would benefit him/his family.

He's one of the two friends I had prior to this event... so that's great.

Another who has been reaching out rarely from time to time has been Jilly, a friend I met during my relationship, she's the one asking how I've been etc.

The rest kind of... stays quiet. Sometimes we go to the same events and bump into each other, they seem to treat me as a good friend, but they never reach out otherwise.

Jilly has reached out recently and hence why my brain went into overdrive again.

I thought I was over Sam with how I was treated, but everything I get a message or interaction, even from the sweetest of people from that mutual friend group, I just go through everything again.

I really doubt Jilly (or anyone else for that matter) knows what has happened, but they're all still actively hanging out and play games together.

I would also find it weird tell anyone who knows us to tell them, then and now after all these years. As you may have figured I like my privacy and I respect other people's privacy.

Plus I don't see anyone changing their mind about Sam, they have had their own experiences and they'll never have to deal with Sam the way I've had, as Sam keeps himself closed off and seems all socially acceptable and fine from the outside.

So I am not thinking of 'trying to win anyone over', it's not gonna work.

But I do wanna know how to move forward. While someone like Jilly may not deserve me ignoring her (I have been engaging in these short chats every time), I am starting to think it's not healthy for me.

But cutting her out without saying anything to this sweet person feels wrong.

Anyone else I would like to know how to tactfully tell them to not contact me again, as Im really not interested.

The problem with that, is that this will probably send ripples. Ripples through the communities we're all a part of, events we go, etc.

I feel in order to keep the peace and for me to be able to keep enjoying to going to events and such, I should probably not do anything at all, hoping it'll die out.

But I think the two in particular who have, after all this time, still been messaging me, I think I just can't get rid of them unless I make it clear to them.

Sorry for the wall of text, I didn't realise how much I had to say and vent about...

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TLDR:

Me and my ex have some mutual friends/acquiantances after many years. My ex and I have not spoken to each other in all this time (thank goodness).

I have been trying to let communication die out so there isn't a big fuss, but 2 of them in particular still sometimes reach out in different ways with one seeking a genuine(?) chat/connection.

I want to cut them out completely as I just seem to be going through exhaustive memories of ny ex every time when I am contacted, but for 1 friend I would feel bad to do that, for the other I am concerned about long-lasting ripple effects throughout the communities and events we're both a part of.

Any advice how to proceed?

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PS: I'm keeping quite some things of my ex very vague on purpose as at the time Sam said I was the only one who knew, none of our friends knew (to my not-surprise).

So I want to respect that even if my own privacy wasn't respected in return.