Lost the best partner ever

This is going to be long but I‘m begging you to read it and help me :( and please be kind

My boyfriend (30) of 2 years broke up with me (28). We lived together and he was the first person in my life who made me feel safe and secure and living with him was the first time I felt I had a home where I can just relax and be me. The breakup seemingly happened out of nowhere, a dumb disagreement spiraled into me crying then him shutting down, me needing reassurance him needing space and the whole thing exploding. He went from let’s talk again to I love you and want this to work to it’s over. I feel like I ruined it by not giving him space and I hate myself for it.

I cannot even begin to tell you how wonderful this man was, both as a person and as a boyfriend, but here‘s some of the stuff he did on a regular basis just for you to understand what kind of loss I am experienceing.

He braided my hair often, not because I asked but because he was gentle like that. Always held my hand, always cuddled me while we slept, carried me around so often playfully, from the living room to the kitchen or down the stairs or outside. We would often run and jump around like kids while walking outside. He brought the childish side out of me and participated in the silliness. Cooked for me even at midnight, made me pizza (once even shaped like a christmas tree), served my rice in a heart shape, left me nutella bread with heart shaped sprinkles on it in the morning. Tried to understand me, never judged, was always there for me. Said he would finance our lives if I want to go back to school to get another degree. Always told me I‘m pretty, healed so many of my insecurities and made me feel worthy of love and safe. For our first vacation, he suggested my favourite city even though he didn‘t like that city at the time just to make me happy and give it a chance. He ended up loving it. This year for my birthday, he gave me a trip to that city again at the time when my favourite store has a pop up. But we will not be going anymore. He asked every day if there is something else he can do for me. He showed interest for stuff that interests me and always wanted to meet my friends and have me be around his. Whenever we were apart, he would generate pictures of 2 characters representing us of which one was in a red dress (red is my favourite colour and I wear dresses all the time) doing stuff and thinking about each other. Supported me in everything I did etc, there is no end to this.

He dated only me from the beginning, was consistend, reached out all the time, organized dates, asked for it to be official, said he loves me first, gave me his apartment keys, introduced me to everyone in his life, was so happy to be introduced to my family. He is smart and hot and a wonderful person. I helped him heal a lot of his trauma and solve a lot of problems, to the point that some stuff that he couldn‘t sleep because and was ashamed and scared of didn‘t even come up as a problem for months. I helped him rebuild the relationship with his family. I did 10 million small and big things for him as he did for me. He said nobody ever understood him this well. We were planning a future together. He said even if my career goes to hell he will still love me because he loves me for me and not my accomplishments. 

Both of us had a really rough patch in our careers in the last few months and were just unhappy with life but were still amazing to each other, we just didn‘t do too much together except for sitting around. Sex dropped to 1-2x a week and this bothered him a lot, and ultimately he told me he is unhappy. He said he thought about proposing but that this is not the everyday life he wants to have forever, but I feel like this would‘ve gotten so much better because my stressor is finally out of my life and my life transformed completely to the better. He has avoidant tendencies and pushes down his feelings a lot and doesn‘t know how to identify them, so when he‘s upset over something it projects on his whole life, and I kind of feel like of all the problems weighing him down, I was the only thing he could get rid of. He also said he realized he isn‘t relaxed and has been putting pressure on himself and hid some parts of him he thought I don‘t approve of, even though I opened up even to the stuff I didn‘t like at first (nothing serious, video games etc). My insecurities bothered him which is understandable, but also something that has gotten so much better. But he looked at me lovingly and was happy to see me all the time nonetheless, and I don’t think anyone can fake emotion to that degree. He said he needs to take care of himself now and heal.

I am devastated. I feel like this all could‘ve been worked through if only he wanted to. We were always good to each other and protected each other, there was so much love there and he cried so much and told me this is killing him and he doesn‘t want it but he can’t do it anymore. But I can’t help but think that the rest of his life is more of a problem than I am, because some stuff happening made him not be able to sleep for months and just stare at the wall in overwhelm so how am I the problem in that whole thing? He said all he ever wanted was to make me happy. In the beginning he often told me how proud he was of himself for asking me out (took him a while because he thought I was out of his league), how he thought I was too pretty and cool for him and he never thought he‘d have such a girlfriend. And now it‘s all just over.

I want to fight with my life for him but I really think he is certain he doesn‘t want me anymore. How that happened in a matter of days I will never understand. The breakup happened over the phone because I‘ve been on tour for a month, I came home for one night which was this pretty mild disagreement about small issues from which then everything escalated, but the escalation also happened long distance (I came back from Asia in the evening, he cooked for me, we kissed, hugged, said we are happy to see each other etc. He wanted to talk about an issue where we annoyed each other over text while I was away, but we couldn’t really finish the conversation because I was dead and had to leave for the next city at 9am next day). I feel like had I been home, none of this would‘ve happened, we would‘ve talked it out in the morning and gone on with our lives. 

I don‘t know what to do, I‘m just sad. This is a huge loss, I loved him so much, he was my home and my favourite person, he was wonderful to me and now he is gone. And I‘m supposed to put the best time of my life in a box and lock it away and never enjoy it again. I don‘t believe there are other men like this in the world. It feels like I blew my only chance with someone who was truly loving. I can‘t hate him or be mad at him because he was always good to me. Even now he told me I did everything for him and he was still unhappy and it is not my fault and this doesn’t mean I’m unloveable, just that he lost hope. I can‘t say good riddance. All I can do is be sad and ask myself why I even had to experience something so good just for it to be taken away from me. I‘ve suffered more than enough for one person already and I deserve something good that stays.

I‘m now at my mothers in another country and will come back to our flat Aug 31 for 2 days, then another tour for a week, and then I‘ll be back for longer and have to figure out where I‘m gonna live etc

If anyone can offer any words of advice, please do as I‘m falling apart completely.