The letter i made for my ex hoping one day he’d see it, which he never did.

Ive been missing you so much ever since you left. even if things between us aren’t the same, i still would like to share how i’ve been feeling and express myself the way i can’t with you. you are the most important and precious guy to me ever and i think about you every single second of the day. nothing will ever be able to get you off of my mind but i don’t care as long as you are still here with me in my thoughts. i think of you first thing in the morning, before i close my eyes to sleep, when i see your favorite number, when i listen to music especially tame impala, when im with family and friends, and i could list so many more but not a single time i don’t. i can’t stop missing nor thinking about how kind, handsome, perfect, and special you are. i wish i could call or text you at times to talk to you about stuff or just when i need someone because you were always there for me ready to listen without any complaints. you weren’t just the love of my life but also my best friend, and losing both has had such a great impact on me. i know that i could text you to tell you everything and trust me, i want to so badly but i don’t want to have to be the one who always reaches out first, i want to feel like i matter to you just as much and know that this isn’t just one sided. no matter how long i have to wait for you, i always will with the little hope i have left because i would rather retry with you as long as it takes to finally get things right, than to have to be with someone who i’ll never love as much as i love you. everywhere i look i get reminded of you and how inlove were were. it is so hard to stay away from you and stop myself from texting or calling when all i wish for is to just be with you again. i feel the same heavy feelings everyday, the ones where i have to miss you at every moment in life. it hurts seeing you at school but every chance i get to look at you again i take it, even when you try your best to avoid me. i hold on to every inch of hope that the effort you put into not seeing me and staying away isn’t because you hate me and that a part of you still loves me and feels something. i feel horrible everyday more than ever before because i fear that the moments we spent together were the last ones we will ever share. i don’t know how to feel the same joy as i used to because you’re the one person that felt real to me and made my world better. i have given up trying everything in my power to cross paths with you during school because i have accepted it won’t change anything when it’s one sided effort, but even so, i miss having you here with me. i miss feeling like i had someone who understood me. now i always have to keep everything to myself, my thoughts, my feelings, just because i don’t feel as comfortable opening up to anybody else the way i did with you. i wish you would just come back. i don’t know if i will ever feel at peace again knowing i lost someone as precious as you. i wonder sometimes if you ever miss what we had and if you would ever want to try again but i just get left curious because you don’t ever show me any sign that you still love me and that drives me insane but if you’re ever ready just know i’ll always be here waiting for you. even though we have tried multiple times before, i don’t want to give up on us. i want us to work out so badly but us being apart and avoidant isn’t helping anything. i just wish you would think about what we could be and how happy we are together. i believe that ill be able to do better for you and we can talk through everything until we do it right we just need to be strong. i love you with all my heart and i don’t want to be apart from you anymore because it genuinely crushes me. I know i should probably move on and let you live your life in peace but i physically and mentally can’t no matter how hard i try and what i do. but even then, i don’t mind waiting if that means someday in the future, however long it takes, i might be able to have my baby again. maybe someday you will be able to hear my side of the story and you’ll finally be able to understand why i feel like this instead of having built up grief for me. im so lost and i don’t know what to do. i hate how all of this is affecting me, ruining my days, and keeping me from my soulmate. i’m scared that you’ll show me the opposite reaction that i want if i ever reached out. what if you tell me you don’t ever want to try again, what if you make me feel judged and embarrassed for the emotions i have, what if you don’t even want me to ever talk to you again. i have nobody to talk to about how much this is hurting me, i wish i could just freely talk to you about this and just let it all out but that’s just not my place anymore.

- Also i want you guys to know that i was desperate over a man i knew for just a couple months, we were very serious. We had met each others family, were friends for a year before we started dating, dated for two years, i was super close to his little brothers, and the only guy i’ve ever introduced to my parents. I honestly still miss him but it’s a done deal and nothing can be done about it.