Lost my Granny, feeling guilty

Hi all, my (31F) granny passed away peacefully on Saturday morning aged 94. She had been very well her whole life and had a relatively short (about 8 weeks) severe illness and decline. She was in hospital for a while and then at home. At the same time as she was unwell, my dad who has a whole pile of health problems got very ill with some mystery illness the doctors couldn’t find, and became really unpleasant to be around, snapping and yelling at people.

I’m a teacher on summer holidays at the moment so I’ve been able to visit them both every day and try to do what I can for them and to help support my family generally, but to be honest a few weeks in I started feeling numb and disconnected from everything. I didn’t want to leave the house, I dreaded seeing people and I was just checked out, all I wanted to do was stay in and play video games or read. I made myself get out and see them both every day anyway because I knew it was the right thing to do, but I know I wasn’t as present as I should have been and with the amount of free time I have right now I could have been there more.

Now that my granny has passed, her loss has hit me like a bomb. I can’t stop crying 3 days later. We were very close and she is my first loss in adulthood. Above all I feel so incredibly guilty that I wasn’t there more in her final weeks, and that when I was there I wasn’t present enough. She deserved better from me. She was the kindest person you’d ever meet, do anything for anyone and never ever complained. I feel so ashamed of how I just shut down in her last days. I’d give anything to have one more day with her.