Why do I keep deleting everything that reminds me of people?

Hi. I’ve been wondering about something that’s been growing for years, and I genuinely don’t know what it is or why I feel this way.

It started when I was around 11. At first, I constantly deleted pictures, chats, and posts because I thought everything looked “cleaner.” I also left people pretty easily. If I stopped talking to someone, I just moved on without thinking much about it. Looking back, I could date someone, leave, and not feel emotionally affected. I was popular, It all felt normal.

But over the years, it changed.

Now, I feel genuinely uncomfortable keeping pictures, chats, gifts, or anything that reminds me of people. If someone gives me a gift, I’ll either throw it away or hide it somewhere I’ll never have to see it again. It’s not because I hate the person or don’t appreciate the gift. I just can’t stand having reminders..

The same goes for photos. I don’t even have pictures of myself anymore.

I once had an ex who didn’t want to delete our pictures because she wanted to remember me. She forgets people and things easily, so the pictures mattered to her, she said.

I’m the complete opposite.

I deleted every picture, but I still couldn’t forget her.

I remember thinking, “Everything feels fair. You live in my head, and I live in your gallery.”

Deleting things has never actually helped me forget anyone.

Around 7th grade, I started isolating myself more. I realized that if I never got too close to someone, then I wouldn’t create beautiful memories with them. And if I didn’t have those memories, maybe they wouldn’t stay in my head forever.

I’ve also realized that I don’t like needing people emotionally. Whenever someone becomes important to me, my mind immediately jumps to the fact that one day they’ll be gone, die. It makes me feel like the closer I become to someone, the more future pain I’m creating for myself. I know that sounds irrational, but it’s genuinely how my mind works

And, I wish I could enjoy my time with my pets without feeling the urge to just abandon them just because of the mindset “they’ll die anyway”. Yeah, I hate pets because of that.

This wasn’t always my reason. Years ago, I left people because it simply didn’t feel like a big deal. Now, what started as deleting things because they felt “clean” has turned into avoiding memories because they hurt

I don’t know if this is anxiety, fear of attachment, anticipatory grief, avoidant attachment, or something else entirely. I just know it’s been getting worse over the years, and I really don’t like it.

I wish I could talk to a therapist, but I can’t right now. I know nobody here can diagnose me, but has anyone experienced something similar or know what this might be? I’d really like to understand why my mind works like this.