Oh, Pain (a poem)

A poem that came to me this morning. For context, I have been totally estranged from my family for 13+ months. It's a mixed bag of many other issues as well, such as my disability (I am autistic & ADHD), my transness and other mental issues (such as CPTSD). Perhaps it will resonate with some of you. I don't know. Regardless, I wish you well on your journey with pain.

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Oh, Pain

When will you ever go away?
Every day I strive
To stay with you
As much as I can

I grieve, I weep, I rage
But you keep coming back
You don't destroy me
You just plow my gut and my heart
In a million undescribable ways

The more I get to know you
The more I understand how
You were always here
I just could't meet you then

I thought I could control you
But avoiding you
Mean avoiding reality
Regardless how buried or stingy it is

Perhaps what I was avoiding most
Was letting go of the fantasy
That I ever had a family
Which truly loved me

The only thing that remains yet
Is the courage to be with you
And to remain with you
As if you were my only child

But I haven’t let go yet
Of the dream that one day
You'll be safely away

I just can’t still fully surrender now
To the grief of the life I didn’t have
And of the life I'll never have

And to embrace that
My most trusted
And loyal companion
Was perhaps all along

You.