In love him but want to leave to not suffer

Hello,

I'm not really sure what I'm hoping to get by posting here. I (26F) have been in a long-distance relationship with my boyfriend (26M) for a year, and I feel confused and sad

Sorry in advance if this post is all over the place. My mind feels foggy right now and it's making it hard to focus.

To begin with I never wanted to be in a long-distance relationship because I'm probably not mentally strong enough for it. I struggle with anxiety and I'm still in therapy for it, but at some point feelings got in the way, and we naturally confessed our feelings for each other and officially started dating about a year after our first conversation.

A few months ago, we finally met in person and overall it went really well. There were a couple of things that hurt me though. One comment he made about one of his exes really upset me, and on the bus to the airport when I was leaving, he didn't hold my hand or look at me even though I kept trying to catch his eye. Other than that, I had the best two weeks of my life. He treated me like a queen and despite being shy I tried my best to make him feel just as loved.

So yeah, everything seemed alright until after that first visit as I started feeling like he became more distant. Even so, once I got back home, he continued being kind to me, telling me he loved me, saying he wanted to build a future with me, and spending time with me, even if it was less than I would have liked. He even admitted himself that he couldn't always meet my emotional needs.

At that point I genuinely couldn't tell whether it was my anxiety talking or whether my fears were actually reasonable and I was simply blinded by my love for him.

Now we're supposed to see each other again soon, but emotionally I've reached a point where I feel exhausted. I'm tired of constantly doubting everything. I feel like I'm investing so much into this relationship, both emotionally and financially( I've paid for both of our visits together, even if it's not a question if money).

Of course, I don't expect him to invest as much as I do. I just wish he would invest a little more. It hurts me selfishly that I don't feel like I'm one of his priorities. It often feels like I come after so many other things in his life.

During one of our conversations, he admitted that he stayed with one of his exes not because he loved her, but because she loved him, and her affection made him feel important. Ever since he told me that, I can't stop wondering if that's the same with me too. That maybe he doesn't love me for who I am, but just because I love him and I'm very demonstrarive of that love.

Anyway, it's a conversation I know I need to have with him soon. It's just difficult because I don't know how to bring it up without sounding even more needy than I already feel.

For context, if we were ever to move in together, I would be the one moving to his country. I don't speak his language, and I'm terrified of making the biggest mistake of my life. I'm scared that he doesn't actually love me as much as I love him, that he'll eventually replace me, and that I'll end up completely alone in a foreign country like an idiot.

Anyway, I'm completely losing confidence in myself and I feel like I'm going crazy. It really bothers me because I don't want to become a controlling girlfriend, but at the same time my emotions are overwhelming me.

Recently, he started a new job where he works almost exclusively with women our age. He gets along really well with them, they joke around together a lot, and his company even organizes outings where they apparently drink and smoke together. I feel incredibly uncomfortable about it.

I keep trying to calm myself down and remind myself that he's never given me any real reason to think he would betray my trust, but it doesn't seem to help.

Today I'm hurting so much that I'm seriously considering ending the relationship just to not suffer anymore. But at the same time it's hard because I love him so much😔