I’ve lost all faith for myself

I don’t know what to do. I’ve read stories in this subreddit for hours and hours and I thought they helped me but I haven’t changed. I’m worse than lukewarm. I’m either ecstatic about god or I act like a literal demon. I look in the mirror and all I see is a monster. I watch porn. I hate the people around me. I act like an idiot. Honestly, I think I am. I’ve never felt so low spiritually. In the past 72 hours I think I’ve committed every single deadly sin. I thought I accepted Jesus. I pray to him for strength every night. But I can’t find it. I know God loves his children but I feel like Jesus should hate me if we met. I understand he loves me and he’ll forgive, but I think he’s disgusted with me and what I’ve become. I wouldnt even think of forgiving myself. I don’t even feel human anymore. And I’m too much of a pathetic wuss to talk to anyone about it. The only good thing that I can see in myself right now is that I feel the need to ask people for help. I don’t know what it will do and I’m sure everyone reading this is a one thousand times better person than I’ll ever get close to being. But I want to change. I do. But I don’t always want to. A lot of the time I want to rot around in my own filth. I don’t know where to go from here. I feel like I’m a million miles away from my Lord and Saviour. Please help me.