idk what to really think

2 years ago, my partner at the time sa'd me while i was under the influence of alc at a party i dont wanna get into details as im still just disgusted at myself and was abusive physically and verbally afterwards our relationship. Emotionally manipulative too but i was too young at the time to know i could 'escape'. i was only 16-17. i broke up and even then the verbal abuse was insane. i knew it was wrong and i felt embarrassed to tell anyone or he really made me believe noone would accept me if they knew. i think i was also like in denial ? because in hs i was really vocal about womans rights, abuse victims to be heard, activists on just bunch of societal news and even wrote a paper on it as my final for politics so i did not want to admit i was this aware and still fell for a stupid violent boy. i watched like svu and criminal minds to see if i was really yk sa'd or i was being dramatic, i actually have heard of people saying boys will be boys and such nasty things to victims first hand and i knew that would be my replies if i told people , and he came from a powerful family where his dad was a lawyer so i was too scared and i didnt want to go to the police as i was just shocked after and i just showered the disgust of me. i blocked it out. i was obviously traumatised and i had lots of bruises on my arm, side of my stomach and stomach but i covered it pretty well espacially because i get cold easily so nobody suspected anything and at the time, i usually never have much deep conversations with anyone, thats just my personality. and my closest friend was going through something hell-ish at the same time and it felt like my responsibility to help her and listen to her as she only told me or so i thought. anyways thats another story. i blocked it all out to the point where i was diagnosed with dissoactive amnesia and recently all the times ive been triggered combined i just exploded and now idk how to handle myself. i refuse to believe it but it did happen. what do i do? how do i endure this? i have gotten help from professionals but it just feels like they pity me and now im just a victim to them. not a person ykwim. idk.