Ex and Best friend end up together.

I’ll get straight to it. Me (M20) & Ex (F21) have been in a relationship for 1 yr+, after which we broke up and stayed as friends with benefits for another year (we lived together during most of this time). I was the one who fucked everything up, I always wanted things to go my way, had a lot of issues with expressing my emotions without anger/frustration and that really took a toll on her. The worst thing I did was fall for lust, after 4-6 months in and the honeymoon period was long over, I started casually checking out Instagram models online etc, and the worst part, it never hit me until she found out. I lied to her, kept trying to wriggle my way out. She gave me a chance. She forgave me, as much as I didn’t deserve any of that trust, she gave me another chance to change. I didn’t. Said I would, and for the first 1-2 months after that event, I was doing well, treating her much better, giving my time to do things she wanted to do too, and letting her have her way at things. But a little while after that, i just went back to my usual lax self. Disregard for all the trust, love, kindness and support she had given me, and the bad habits returned. And this time it ended. We broke up officially, but still stayed together as friends with benefits for another whole year. During this time we both continued to enjoy each other’s company, things did get better, and since there was no more commitment all the problems we were going through really just didn’t matter. Although we still had a few ups and downs, eventually she lost all the remaining love for me she had left. She told me this around 3 months before she moved out, and that’s around the time where I realised something was off about her and my best friend. During this time the 2 of them would confide in each other abt their traumatic experiences (my Ex abt me, and my best friend on his own ex). I didn’t really think much nor cared, rather I was happy they were getting close, since my best mate had recently just broken up with his ex, whom had also deeply hurt him and betrayed his trust. So essentially the 2 of them were both on the receiving end of the toxic partner, and went through basically the same thing, and IG that allowed them to bond together. Then at one point something felt wrong, I started getting an instinct like feeling that something was going on, so I initiated a don’t-wanna-hangout phase between the trio (me, Ex and best friend). The entire time they were secretly texting each other, and my best friend had already developed very strong attraction to my ex. She knew but kept it from me until she moved out, and now they’re together.

That’s the summed up version basically, I fucked my ex up, ruined her and gave her trust issues, she bonded with my best friend who had also gone through similar experiences and the 2 of them are now together.

I feel immense regret, remorse, guilt, shame, for myself and my past actions. I have zero excuse, take full accountability for it and admit to everything, there’s no running away. I believe I rushed to be in a relationship before I was able to get to love myself and know how to be happy with who I am first.(fresh 17 when I just started dating my ex) even with everything that had happened, my ex forgave me but she said she wouldn’t forget, and it will take her a lot of time to heal. She hasn’t cut contact with me, and still attempts to help me heal seeing how badly it hurt me. She’s a fucking saint, and I’m worser than the devil. I feel absolutely pathetic and worthless, and I can’t live through it, it’s eating me alive, it’s been 4 weeks since they’ve been going at it (physically too) and the self reflection I’ve been going through is flooding my head. Too much for me to handle. And through this, I have no negative thoughts of my ex, she’s moved on and it hurts to see her with someone else. But I can’t help but feel betrayed by my best mate, I’ve known him since high school for over 6 years, and as much of a shit person I am, I was there for him for his last 2 breakups, when another mate of ours went after his ex, all our friends splintering off and betraying him. I was always there, and I might have been a little bit of a walnut and didn’t emotionally offer much, I did verbally suggest that I’m always an option for him to come talk to. And talk to me he did. He opened up to me abt a lot of issues, and I was always there to listen, never judged him or used that information he gave me in any way. I kept all his vulnerabilities with myself and defended his back against those who spoke ill of him. And all of that for nothing… that’s how I feel right now.

I believe I treated brotherhood above whatever perception of love I had for my ex. I might have even been blinded by lust, and it might not have started out with love, but I know I did end up building a great story with her, we had terrible downs (all on me) but we had good times together too. We built a story, a chapter in both our lives, and I do believe I loved her, as much as many of you might think not. I had more loyalty and dedication to friends over her basically.

I know I’m young, and if I didn’t mention it was both of ours first relationships, physically and mentally bonding being with a “partner”. I know I’ve fucked it all, and I beg of all you who read this, help me. I’m broken and shattered right now, I feel dull and empty, and I can’t get a grip. Give me all the criticism you have, and I pray that someone here can give me some insights. Have empathy for me.

Criticisms, explanations, any opinions you all may have that could help me out.

Thank you all, and I really appreciate yall for reading through all that haha.