Struggles of being an outcast

No one fucks with me. No one has ever fucked with me. Even before the diagnosis, when I was just a little girl, no one fucked with me. My life has been spent in the shadows for as long as I can remember. Even when I try, I'm treated like an outcast or some kind of alien. In high school I was even an outcast among the outcasts and "weirdos". I just got lucky because I used to be somewhat good looking so any kind of friend groups I was in was simply out of association with whatever boyfriend I had at the time.

My entire life has been devoted to change. I remember writing in my journal years ago when I was in middle school about all these things I needed to change about myself to become a person worthy of what everyone else got. Friends, community, and a general sense of belonging. But I've never been able to have that no matter how hard I try.

Most friends I had growing up either ghosted me out of the blue, were toxic so I had to cut them off, or we just drifted apart over the years (that one I understand). As an adult, I try all the time. I have one friend who lives a couple hours away but we're just online friends and have never met in person. No one in my family hardly fucks with me because I'm a black sheep. I've tried joining a few churches but most churches are corrupt or aren't even preaching the truth, so that never works out.

Ive made a lot of mistakes in the past but it has been years since then and people still treat me like shit or completely ignore me (texts, friend requests, etc). No one lets go of your old self. No one lets go of the mistakes and poor choices you made in the past. They act like you're the same old toxic version of yourself that you used to be and that's who you'll always be. I was already an outcast even before all the poor choices, i made things a whole lot worse on myself. It's like I'm playing life on the most extreme difficulty.

It's not fucking fair. I'm tired of being treated like a fucking outcast for no reason. I've been relentlessly devoted to self improvement and becoming a better person for years. But so far no amount of self improvement has changed how people treat me. No one fucking likes me enough to give me the same love and kindness that I put out in to this world. It's like I have this invisible aura that just repels everyone I come across even when I'm not doing anything wrong or off-putting.

I wish I didn't have to work so hard to try to get things everyone else gets seemingly so easily, and yet I still don't get what I want. It's almost like a curse.

I just wish I had more people in my life who actually like me as a person. I'm tired of constantly trying and trying and getting shut down. I am very grateful for the few who actually do love me and show it every single day. So I'm not completely alone. But still.

Online friends are great but I crave the kind of connection you make with people in person. I crave bonds and friendship with real people in real life. People who actually make an effort to keep in touch and care about me and what's going on in my life. I crave all the things that I have always done for others only to rarely get that back in return.

I think the worst part is not knowing why. This is something that has been a pattern my entire life, before the mental health issues started. So I know it's not simply because I have BPD/bipolar and it's not just because it's "harder to make friends as an adult". It's me. It has to be. I just don't know why. I've even debated if I'm autistic or something but can't afford an adult autism evaluation.

Just had to get this off my chest. Feeling pathetic.