09/24/25 - 1:13am.

i think i want to go see the ocean tomorrow.

i've been in a miserable state ever since i stopped going outside. i became so addicted to the idea of finding someone that would understand me and take care of me that i spent most of my time waiting around in my room hoping they would come to me eventually. that's the way i spent most of my life already. i don't want to find myself stuck in that loop again.

it doesn't matter if i'm alone for the rest of my life. there's enough beauty in the world for me to never have to think about not having another person by my side. i just have to go out and see it. i have to experience all the things i deprived myself of all these years. i owe it to myself. i owe it to my loved ones as well.

i have never had a real dream in my entire life. nothing to look forward to. nothing to make the effort and the struggles of life that i'm expected to endure worth it. that's why i dropped out of school. twice. that's why i quit my job. that's why i never saved any kind of money or made any kind of plans. every attempt i had ever made at living a normal life has been purely because i was supposed to. i know most people are forced into lives they'll regret by their parents and their peers, and i know they seem to do just fine like that for a while, but when i think about living my life in the image of another person's idea of what life should be, i can't imagine myself lasting at all. that's why i gave up on everything i've tried before. it's never been for me. it's been for everyone else.

i want to find my own dream someday. i want to know what it is that i want to do with the rest of my life. maybe it'll be a career i want to pursue, or maybe it'll be a desire to see the world. it has to be something i can believe in. i really want something i can believe in.

i wish i were able to cry as much as i wanted to. i wouldn't have to feel so trapped in my own head if i could. i hope whatever i go and do tomorrow gives me the relief that i need to be able to cry again. i don't mind breaking out into tears in front of complete strangers, and i definitely wouldn't mind sobbing for hours on a bench over by the sea. as long as it gives me that sense of relief i've been so desperate for lately. as long as it makes me feel alive.

my room is a tomb that i've chosen to bury myself alive in. it's getting harder and harder to breathe. i need to get out while i still can. while there's still air. while there's still time.

i hope i get to take my first breath in weeks tomorrow. i hope i never forget to breathe again.