I feel like I gave myself dysphoria

I know I’ll never be a real man no matter how hard I try, everytime I feel confident/start to feel better. My thoughts come back or I have a dream at night but having my birth genitals, I’m so fucking scared of what it actually means. I don’t think I have any social reasoning to be trans as in, I don’t have any hatred for women or I just think it’s unsafe to be a woman but my dysphoria is probably socially caused because I just want to be a man.

I used to have little to no dysphoria, there are some feelings that seem to come naturally but it doesn’t seem like enough/actually true. I think i just wanted to have bottom dysphoria but I’m trying to avoid the truth because i can’t stand being female. I wonder if it’s true i do enjoy having it, despite being disgusted by it….. I don’t deserve to have a penis despite feeling something missing between my legs(the sensation is probably fake) and I find them ugly anyways, it’s not even cause I’m a straight “man” it’s because it would probably feel wrong to me and I just wish it didn’t… I want to have a penis, I want to be comfortable with it. same with having a flat chest and deep voice, I want it but I probably wouldn’t be used to it. I’m too feminine to deserve it. I also have “intrusive thoughts” about secretly wanting to be like a girl when I’m attracted to one, I don’t really feel that like I want to look like a girl, but no man thinks the way I do… if they were really intrusive, why do they keep coming back and why does it feel so strong and real.

Why am I also so attracted to myself, despite it feeling wrong? I probably just like my body and don’t want to admit it and I’m just using it as an excuse. I sometimes am scared I like my voice too and I feel gross after speaking, I hate it, why can’t I sound like a boy

I hate having female parts, why couldn’t have I been male since birth with a male brain. I attempted so many times because I’m not a real man and I would never be, I will always feel like a woman with no way out. I wish I could be male, I wish I could allow myself to transition but I just can’t. I’m just going to have to spend the rest of my life wishing I was male and staring at men i wish I could be.

Actual trans men may be truly dysphoric and their misery is more real than mine but at least they get to become men, I can’t. I don’t wish I was a man to escape misogyny or femininity but to escape my body and the feeling of being a girl so it’s harder to let go and not feel pain everyday