

in the photo: greek salad and rice and dry chicken breast with bachamel 

  
my dad has adhd (undiagnosed). both of my brothers are diagnosed. the first one got diagnosed when i was 9 and he was 4. while looking it up for him, i realized that it matched my internal world a lot, so i brought it up and both parents laughed at me for 15 minutes straight. their reasoning was that i always got good grades and didn't look out of it. i believed them because his adhd presented like major hyperactivity and some violence and i wasnt like that.

i kept showing the same exact behaviors (other than stabbing peoples eyes and throwing stuff) as him and yet i was always expected to accommodate him for the same things i was struggling with. i always had to carry his load and mine.

  
now my other brother also got diagnosed at 6. he has linguistic difficulties bc of his adhd but he is just like younger me in every other way. even his adhd presents in the same way that mine was when i was his age (minus the not talking a lot) and everyone keeps comparing him to me. and yet I don't have adhd. 

  
listen im not making this my personality. i dont look up mental illnesses to throw away my responsibilities on something i dont have. i dont mind getting assessed and not having adhd. i dont mind having somehting else or even nothing. but ive been so tired my whole life and ive always been expected to carry everyones load too.  i cant keep having panic attacks over texts or a laundry load. im tired of being mentally ill and im tired of everyone telling me im not. i keep having to nod my head to my entire family explaining my symptoms to strangers and saying its why my brothers need a little compassion. the only thing i need is to try hard enough apparently. i keep telling them that i experience all of these things too but apparently im "faking it" because im evading responsibility for my failure. and yet when im hard to deal with i always get the words mentally unstable screamed at me, and when i say yes i am! take me to an asylum they're like no you're fine. hello???

im currently assessing anything physical that could manifest these symptoms. and I'm trying to save up till i can go get assessed myself. i genuinely don't understand why they won't get me assessed. if im not, then won't the assessment show that? 

my parents think im mentally well