i feel so alone :(

hi i honestly don’t even know where to start me (18f) and my bf (26m) just broke up literal hours ago, we’ve broken up plenty of times before but this time i know it’s real too much was said and done :( im not innocent in everything i definitely did my part in pushing him but i also found out he’s been lying to me after almost a yr and i feel like such an idiot for blindly trusting this man. he made me think we were one and the same and “soulmates” i love him so much i still don’t know how to picture my world without him he was my best friend. i found out he’s had a separate snapchat account and that was actually what he used to text me. he told me he was never comfortable w me having his socials bc im scary and crazy. it’s literally lies and lies and lies my head is so exhausted and my heart hurts so bad but even now seeing exactly who he is i feel nothing but love and pain and have no idea how to cope or see him as a bad guy