Married, but alone

I don’t know what to do about my relationship with my husband. I’ve been married for 19 years, and so far I’ve been a good wife. I do my duties—cleaning, cooking, getting pregnant, taking care of the kids, running errands, hospital appointments, groceries, laundry, housekeeping, and back-and-forth emails with teachers—all on my own. I’ve been doing all of that without any help. He did start helping the past five years, but only because I asked.
I realized that in the past five years, he doesn’t have a problem helping if I ask. That’s not the problem, though. The problem is that ever since I married him, he’s never had any real interest in deeply connecting with me.
If we watch the same movie ten times, he doesn’t remember the title or anything that happened. We could watch that movie 500 times and it would still be brand new to him every time. We don’t even get a chance to watch anything anyway—maybe once a year at best—so the old movie we previously watched is brand new to him the next time we watch it.
I’ve listened to music with him and talked about the singers’ whole history for a couple of hours straight, shown him many videos and songs at home and in the car, and sent him my favorite songs. I would put on a song after he’d heard it a thousand times, and he still wouldn’t recognize it or remember anything about it. I’ve spoken to him about singers and songs for three hours straight.
I would watch TikTok with him and explain how a video was funny, going into great detail to show him why or what happened. He would finally understand it, but only after a lot of stress and explaining on my part. For example, we were watching a TikTok of a random elderly man talking about The Truman Show and saying that this world is like the Truman Show, that we’re living in a simulation. He didn’t understand what the Truman Show was—even though WE ALREADY WATCHED THAT MOVIE THREE TIMES throughout our marriage. I had to show him the trailer and explain in great detail for about 20 minutes what was going on, because he didn’t understand. By the time we went back to the TikTok, I had already lost 90% of my energy. And the worst part? I had to snap him back into paying attention, because he kept dozing off while I was explaining the Truman Show—a movie he’d already watched with me three times.
This is just one small example. I’d be a millionaire if I got a dollar for every time this has happened.
Another example: he, the kids, and I would watch a Spider-Man movie together, and I’d pause every 20 minutes to make sure he understood what was going on. Every time we asked him, he’d be staring at the movie but not really paying attention—he had no idea what was happening. He could sometimes tell us about a tenth of it, and that was it. Then the next day in the car, as a family, we’d put on the soundtrack—for example, “Sunflower” by Post Malone from the Spider-Man movie we’d watched the night before. We’d ask him where the songs were from, and he’d have no idea.
It would bum the kids out, and it would bum me out too, because it was as if he hadn’t watched the movie with us at all. His body was there, but he wasn’t. And this has happened numerous times—actually, it’s happened every single time. The kids and I would be singing the track at the top of our lungs, and he’d just be driving, looking at us like we were all crazy. He wouldn’t be mad at all—he’d be happy. But the problem is that he’s not in our world, not connected at all, and that’s really sad.
So basically, our whole marriage, he has not been able to connect with me. The only serious or true conversations he’s had with me were about his job and respecting his family—respecting his mom. He’s always focused on the kids, but not in the way they wish he would be. They’d love it if he could sit down and play PlayStation with them for an hour, or even read them a simple book, but he never makes that kind of time.
His life revolves around them, but not in any connective way. To him, being present is enough; to them, he isn’t mentally connected. For example, the kids would be talking to him, saying things, and he’d reply to only half of what they said. I’d tell him, “Hey, they said this and that as well,” and he just doesn’t understand what they’re saying because they talk too fast. And he doesn’t care enough to say, “You’re talking too fast. You should slow down so I can understand every word and reply properly.”
I always bring up his mistakes to him, and he acknowledges them, but he doesn’t actually do anything to fix them.
I’ve never had a deep conversation with him about anything besides, like I said, his family and people he knows. Nothing about me, nothing about him, nothing funny or new we’ve learned or heard. I’ll tell him things I’ve learned about, and he won’t really care much. He’ll look at me while I’m talking, but when I ask him what I said, he never has an answer. And I can tell by the way he realizes he’s not truly in the subject that he’s not paying attention. He gets really mad at me when I get mad about these things, and he thinks I’m crazy.
Sometimes I get so frustrated that I stop talking to him and ignore him, because ignoring him is the same as him talking to me. He doesn’t pay attention to the deep conversations I’d love to have with him. So what’s the point of talking to him if he can’t even reply with anything besides “yes,” “no,” or “OK”?
Imagine talking to somebody for seven hours about something deep and interesting, and then the next day you bring it up and they have no idea what you’re talking about. He always says he’s sorry and that he’ll pay attention next time, but that “next time” never came in these past 19 years.
His life is basically: wake up, go to work, come home and eat, hang out with the kids, go to sleep. If he has a day off, we’ll go somewhere, he’ll be occupied with the kids, and then we just come back home and go to sleep. There’s nothing truly meaningful or memorable.
We spend a lot of money and take the kids out to restaurants, do activities together, travel to many different countries. But all of those activities have to be thought of by me—otherwise none of them would take place. And in all of those countries we’ve been to together, he’d be the same person: looking straight into your eyes, saying “yes” and “OK,” but not really knowing what the hell you’re talking about, because he can’t answer a single question about the subject.
Then comes the apology. And he says he’s not gonna do it again. And then he does it again, again, again.
It’s come to the point where I don’t even want to talk to him anymore or be around him, because there’s no point. He’s only good for his kids right now, but when they get older and want to have a real, serious conversation with him, he’s not gonna be able to give them 100%.
As for now, like I said, all he does is go to work. He spends nine hours there, comes home tired as hell every single day, hangs out with the kids, makes food if he has time, sometimes just eats what I make if I make something—and then he goes to sleep. There’s nothing really meaningful about the relationship between a husband and a wife.
He does try to connect, like he says he tries. But I see him dozing off every single time, because he’s not able to reply to a question I ask him about the conversation about 80% of the time.
What do I do?