My wife (31F) and I (30F) are constantly arguing lately. How so I get my feelings across effectively without being met with resistance that I’m not listening to her feelings?

I don’t even know what to do anymore. My wife 31F and I 30F have been constantly arguing for weeks. We have been together for over 11 years. For some context my dad passed away quite suddenly around 6 months ago so I KNOW I have been on edge. I have openly admitted this and also have asked for some grace navigating my feelings because my grief is really profound at this time. So I know I am part of the problem which I fully own with her. But I can’t help but feeling like my feelings are never actually acknowledged.

Today for example, I know she’s been having a hard week so I planned for us to go for brunch and go to a board game cafe and just have a fun Saturday together, I also booked tickets for us to go see a movie Tuesday so we’d have something to look forward to during the week. About 20 minutes after these plans are pretty much solidified my mother texts my wife (because she knows my wife is the way to get me to do what I dont want to do) and gives a whole boo hoo story (this may seem insensitive but I’ve had 30 years of my mother emotional manipulation so I’m totally desensitized to it). So I tell my wife to just invite her to brunch I guess. 10 minutes go by and now we’re going to dinner with my mother, which kind of kiboshes my whole plan for the day because we can’t really afford two restaurant meals in a day, and it limits our time at the board game cafe because we now can’t leisurely play we have to be on a time crunch. So I was already hurt. And then I get a text from my mother “why are you mad at your brother” and 30 seconds later a text from my brother “why are you mad at me”. Which is someone I told my partner earlier this morning, just between us. But not even an hour later she’s telling my mother this, and causing a whole family drama that didn’t need to exist, especially because I know my brothers on vacation and had just planned on discussing things with him when he was back.

So I’m now feeling annoyed that my plans for the day are negated AND so very hurt that I feel like I can’t tell my wife things without her running to tell my mommy (this is NOT the first occasion). And so my wife starts telling me that she’s ruined the day so now we need to replan the day. I tell her no, I’m not planning anything anymore, you can plan the day though because I’m done making plans now. So I walk away to get some space and get followed. I repeat that we can’t leisurely play still do something but I don’t want to plan it because I feel disrespected. My wife proceeds to tell me that she will not plan anything because she already ruined the day so she’s not going to plan it to ruin it more, and that I need to be a better partner and treat her with compassion.

Somehow it’s turned back on me. But I feel like many of our arguments end up like this. It’s turned on me even if I bring up how I’m feeling. My feeling is invalidated and I have to be the one that makes a compromise. I’m at a loss for what to do. I really do love her with all my heart but I feel like I’m constantly being crushed.