Cauchemars

TW : s\*x ?

Ok now thats very lame… but anyway here is the only place i can do this ig. Im facing something that starts to be really anowing me. I have those terrible dreams about s/assault ever since im like 12 but i have no idea of why.. nothing like this happened to me as long as I can remember but it keeps on coming back. At the begging I thought every one had those but when I just told like half of a nightmare to my friend of the time it felt like I disgusted her or told her something she didnt have to know yet. Im just terribly tired and I feel crazy bcs when I wake up after a nightmare I always feel like it actually happened and I feel harmed and unsafe. Even before actually ever having s\*x when I woke up I sometimes could feel a pain i didnt know about.
Even in real life like when im awake and anything s\*xual gets to happen i never know if im actually enjoying this or faking it all or if i even want this in the first place.. I feel trapped and when i believe its going away it always comes back. Im just tired. So if anyone relates to this or knows anything about this situation let me know just to know im not alone because it has been since forever.