Maybe I’m creating problems for myself, and I don’t know how to deal with them.

Actually, I don’t think many people will see this post, but anyway.

Hello everyone. I don’t want to say my name because my friends might be sitting here. I’m not American myself, so I’ll be using a translator; please excuse any mistakes in advance.

I’ll be 19 soon. Before that, I’d never had any psychological problems in my life; I didn’t even know what panic attacks were, and overall I lived happily — I was quite a cheerful person. But I didn’t know that all of that would change. In February of this year, when I was picking up my sister from kindergarten, I remember she was crying a lot and wanted to be held so she could calm down. I picked her up, we took a couple of steps, and I slipped and fell. I remember that at that time, I felt some kind of vibration running along my spine, but I didn’t think much of it. Later, when I was at home with my mom, brother, and sister, I remember that I started having severe headaches. As a result of the headaches, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. You know, like you’re short of air and you feel like you’re going to die. But I wasn’t dying. Then I started begging my mom to call an ambulance. By the time the ambulance arrived, I was lying there covered in paint and telling my mom that I didn’t want to die. I was very scared. My mom then placed a cold cloth on the back of my head and told me to calm down, but I couldn’t. I was overcome by a terrible fear of death. After some time, when the ambulance arrived, they began to examine me, and during the examination it turned out that my vital organs were in good shape. My heart didn’t show any signs of danger, and everything else was normal as well. Then the woman from the ambulance asked me to stand up and turn my back to her. She felt my shoulders and said that I had a spinal curvature. The situation that happened to me was a panic attack. That’s when I found out what a panic attack is. After that situation, I made an appointment with a doctor; they took X‑rays and diagnosed me with osteochondrosis of the thoracic spine and right‑sided scoliosis of the lumbar spine. Besides that, they also said that I might have problems with my nerves. You know, I’ve had ECGs done many times, and my therapist has said many times that I can’t have heart problems. But every time I start having panic attacks, I immediately start thinking about death. Yes, you might say I’m a coward, but I hope there are people here who have been in my situation at least once. From that moment on, every time I felt like I was having a panic attack, I would call emergency services and beg them to save me. I did this out of fear. I don’t know how to deal with this. When I eat, after every meal I have to go and induce vomiting because I feel tightness in my chest. Every time I start experiencing chest pain, including burning pain, due to osteochondrosis, I start thinking that it’s my heart. And nothing calms me down except for emergency help or talking to someone. From February until now, not a single day has passed without me thinking about death.

Please, if there are any doctors, therapists, or people who have gone through something similar here — I need your advice. Against the backdrop of all this, I’ve become very anxious; even being outside makes me feel very anxious and scared. Please give me some tips on how to get rid of this.

P.S: If anyone’s interested, I’m a girl.