I can't stop crying

It's been 3 months of no contact , i don't tell people about this , it was a 3 month situationship in which i felt disrespected , humiliated , lost all self respect , got hurt alot , questioned my worth , cried almost everyday , and was stupid and naive and alot more .

you already know how it goes , the beginning is intense , he initiated everything , he told me he liked me , he showed up and talked to me all day everyday and then suddenly the switch flipped and he started acting cold and distant and the hell began. I didn't even know anything about attachment styles then so i just kept questioning myself and kept crying and kept asking him what's wrong and a whole lot of other things .

He was a total attention seeker , had more female friends than me , entertained any girl who talked to him , went to meet his ex after his ex contacted him , and kept giving lame excuses for his behaviour . i can't even write everything down because it's too much to think of and imagine . I was also being used as a rebound even though he told me in the beginning that he has moved on and detached from his ex , which was obviously a lie .

It's been 3 months , it's definitely better than the first month , but now suddenly I've been feeling this mix of fear and rage from the last few weeks and it keeps getting worse .

I've lost alot of weight , stopped taking care of myself , let go of many hobbies , my family doesn't help in anything either because they're abusive , and I've been suicidal the whole time from the last 3 months but i never had a way of actually doing it .

The fear i feel is that i can never feel safe in love again , i can never love anyone again and feel secure , i can never trust anyone again , i can never trust someone with an ex again , and I've even isolated myself from friends too . I've burned all the bridges so no one gets hurt because of my misery . And I'm also afraid that people will eventually end up leaving me anyway . I miss who i was before all that .

The anger i feel is towards him and myself , i want him to suffer , i want to hit him with a steel rod , i want him to lie in a ditch somewhere , helpless and full of pain , i want him to feel pain all his life , i want him to get cheated on so he can never trust again , i want the worst for him , i wish i could hit him .

And i also feel anger towards myself for letting this happen , i hate myself that i trusted that piece of shit , i hate myself that i let myself get disrespected and discarded . I hate myself that even after he constantly kept repeating things which hurted me i still stayed and kept hope that he might change .

And now I can't stop crying , i cry everyday , and i feel this pent up rage all the time which keeps getting worse everyday . I have ADHD and Borderline Personality Disorder , which was part of the reason that i got obsessed with him and kept invalidating my own feelings and kept validating his disrespect towards me just because the empath within me wanted to show him that I won't leave him and i will love him no matter what . i did all i could to make him feel happy and loved and had to beg for the bare minimum in return .

It keeps getting worse , the fear and rage keep consuming me .