How do you let go of a best friend?

I’m having a really hard time letting go of a friendship of 5 years. We were extremely close, basically like sisters. Our husbands were also friends, we spent weekends together, went to the gym together, did family stuff together, and honestly they became like our family because we don’t have much family here.
Our friendship was always a little complicated. We had our ups and downs, but we would usually argue, talk it out, and be fine the next day.
I know I wasn’t always a good friend. I’m not going to pretend I was. I have a really hard time communicating when I’m hurt or upset. Instead of saying what I’m feeling, I shut down, become distant, get defensive, or sometimes do petty things like removing someone from social media. I know that’s something I need to work on.
The problem is, I also rarely told her when she hurt me because I was scared of upsetting her or making things worse. So I think I ended up holding a lot in until it came out in unhealthy ways.
Over the last year, things started getting worse. She would sometimes ask for a break when she was upset with me, and I tried to respect that, but it honestly hurt because every break felt like it was pushing us further apart.
There was also an incident at a CrossFit competition where she felt like my husband and I didn’t support her enough after she placed second. I understood why she was hurt, even though I saw the situation differently.
Then she got accepted into a competitive program. I was genuinely happy for her, but I’ll admit I was also feeling insecure because of everything going on between us. I congratulated her and hugged her, but apparently my reaction wasn’t enthusiastic enough. She felt like I wasn’t happy for her.
I apologized, but I was struggling to separate my feelings about our friendship from everything else.
Eventually we stopped being friends.
The final situation was when my husband and I were having a really rough day, and we had plans to go out with her and her husband that night. I told her I wanted to be alone because something came up.
She became really upset and told me she was tired of how whenever something went wrong in my life, everyone around me had to feel it. She said I always shut down, that I never change, and that she was tired of it. She told me I wasn’t being a good friend.
That really hurt, but I also can’t completely say she was wrong. I do shut down. I do become avoidant when I’m overwhelmed. I know I need to work on that but i wanted some time alone to process my emotions because i was too embarrassed to say what was going on between my husband and i.
She eventually told me she didn’t want to be close anymore and removed shared locations which felt like a punishment.
I reacted emotionally too and removed her from social media because I felt like I was protecting myself. She ended up blocking me, my husband, and some of my family.
My husband eventually tried to talk to her, and she told him that I had been jealous of her getting into her program. That really hurt because it felt like she was trying to get him to talk bad about me. I was insecure and hurt, yes, but I was also genuinely happy for her.
And that’s basically where we’re at now.
I recently unblocked her because I don’t want to keep someone blocked just because they blocked me. I’m not trying to force my way back into her life. She told me she doesn’t want to be friends anymore, and I respect that.

But I do miss our friendship, our routines, going to the gym together, our families being close, hanging out on weekends, and just having someone who felt like a sister.
I also feel SO guilty. I keep thinking about everything I did wrong and wondering what she’s told other people about me. I worry that everyone thinks I’m a terrible friend.
At the same time, I know I need to stop focusing on how she sees me and start focusing on who I want to become.
I want to learn how to communicate instead of shutting down. I want to stop reacting immediately when I’m angry or hurt. I want to become more emotionally secure and stop letting my emotions control how I treat people.
I just don’t know how to move forward while still missing her this much, i’m tired of crying about it.

How do you forgive yourself for hurting someone while still taking accountability? And how do you actually let go of a friendship when you still love and care about the person?
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