33 days

I have read countless stories from others here and felt I’d share mine too. It’s long, but I enjoy when you all post your experiences, so figured some might resonate with mine. I was never a hardcore 1kmg+ per day guy, but rather your typical user with previous substance issues who slowly slipped into this black hole and is working his way out.

TL;DR: It gets harder every time we relapse and relapse is always waiting if we aren’t mindful.

I came across kratom and shortly after that 7 in November 2024. At that time I was 9 months sober from alcohol after on and off relapses that started in the pandemic. For background, I've been a poly user since 13 with a 2 year stretch of full sobriety in HS (abducted into an in-patient rehab). At this point, I was overall doing very well*, but that’s always when the trouble starts, isn’t it?*

Anyway, I was at a convenience store and noticed a canned kratom drink in the fridge. I had only known of it as this strange, unappealing bag of powder I would see at smoke shops. I heard it gave an opioid like effect but figured, “hey, if I can drop booze for 9 months, I’ll be smart enough to manage this.” After all, I used to occasionally free base black and avoided getting hooked (so I thought).

I try the drink, feel a slight buzz, but more so that opioid rage and irritability I had felt in years past. It really wasn’t a great experience but the addict in me was still undecided. Fast forward a couple of weeks and I get curious about it again and decide to see what kind of options the SS has.

Well, you know how the next part goes. I ask what they have, he then mentions 7, likens it to kratom as a dab is to flower. Surprisingly, after his kind of enthusiastic pitch, he then recoiled and said I really shouldn’t take this stuff (probably using himself). That will always stick with me, but it was too late. Curiosity had this cat. I took 15mg and couldn’t fuckin believe it. I found a perc I could legally buy whenever I want. Those long-dormant opioid receptors were cookin again and I picked up right where I left off, teetering on the edge of an opioid addiction.

I then balance it well for a while. Never more than 30mg, never 2 days in a row, if the pull becomes too strong, STOP. It’s similar to what I had done before when I would mess with opioids and it worked.

Things were going fine but I knew I was playing with fire and that this wasn’t going to end well. I decide this was a fun blip on the radar and when January 1 rolls around, I’m gonna leave this in 2024 and remember it as a weird fever dream.

New year comes, I drop it with no issues, then about 2 weeks later I get decimated with a craving (to this day I have never felt that strong off a craving, thousands of mg’s later.) I ended up giving in, and right after I popped a few I knew I was in trouble. This wasn’t something I was going to easily forget and move on from, but there was no damage yet, so no harm no foul.

Time goes on, I slowly slide further down the slope, next thing I know it’s March. At this point panic sets in and it hits that I can’t keep fuckin with this shit. I stop, experience mild withdrawals for a couple of days, then sober I am.

I remember this quit as painless given the withdrawals I have since gone through, but it must’ve been rougher than thought since I came up with this little rhyme then:

“As-salamu alaykum to my brothers off the kratom, for those who chose a different path know it was God who saved them”

As-salamu alaykum means “peace be upon you”in Arabic

Then come 4 blissful months of sobriety. It really was just a fever dream, right? Na. 4th of July rolls around and I have a trip coming up. I was buying zyns at a new SS (usually go to 7/11 to avoid this), then like the dumbass Pavlovian dog I am, end up walking out with some bunk brand of 7. I don’t use it the first few days but stupidly took some on the last night of the trip. The high was terrible due to the bad brand but it tickled those receptors enough to kick start that ol’ engine again.

This time, I go in. Quickly ramp up to daily use within a few weeks and then find myself up to 150mg daily not long after. I go on for another 6 weeks like this, then stop. This was my first “real” withdrawal. Classic 3 day hump then pretty much out of the woods.

I keep it together for almost 3 months, then viciously relapse at the end of November and use until January starts again. This withdrawal was significantly worse than the previous though I never exceeded 150mg per day. I didn’t break through until day 5 this go around and it was also the first time experiencing PAWS.

I thought I was done at this point. There was harm, and there was foul. I had now truly experienced “kicking dope” and thought back to the times I would mess with pills or smoke black in my youth and how I never wanted to cross over to the other side, yet here I was, getting my ass kicked by some shit from a smoke shop in my mid 30s. To add to that, a substance that’s outright embarrassing with none of the “romantic, femme fatale” energy that comes with black (bullshit, but you know what I mean).

Welp. You know this rodeo ain’t over. This time I go 6 months sober then relapse in June. I lean into it at this point and just accept that while I can orbit as far out as Pluto, I’m still revolving around the damn Sun (7). My low point was going to church with my friend’s mom who died from f3nt and I was nodding off in the pew next to her. I pray to God that stays the lowest point of my life. This bender only lasts a month but burned hot and fast. Quitting was ridiculous, to say the least. Full 7 days of acutes and seemingly endless PAWS.

Today I’m 33 days sober from all 7/kratom and 2.5 years off alcohol (never fuckin relapsed!) I'm doing good overall but still in PAWS as I've definitely kindled my receptors. No more.

Weirdest part of this whole thing for me and probably many of you? Not a single person in my life knows. Shout out to all the pain and anguish we’ve silently suffered through from this shit.

The reason I chose to write out all of this is to show the steady progression of this insidious addiction that I easily forget. That’s part of why my dumbass has relapsed so many times. Selective amnesia.

A lot of you are in the thick of it, but stay strong. Maybe write out your own experience and timeline to reflect on how this started and where you are now. It was helpful for me at least and serves as a reminder for when I inevitably get curious about pseudo/mgm in a few months.

Until then, as-salamu alaykum