(Eggs with toasted everything bread with pico de gallo)

From ages 18-22, I was dealing with severe mental health issues and I genuinely never thought I’d be where I am now. I’ve gotten the treatment needed to make life tolerable and even enjoyable at times. I am 26 now.

I bought a house almost a year ago while being with a partner who didn’t really contribute much—she couldn’t hold down a job, had unmanaged mental health issues, would sometimes do the things I asked her to do (because she definitely wouldn’t do them if I didn’t ask her to—things like cleaning up after herself and just looking after our home). I was in this relationship for 2.5 years before I could finally stomach ending it for real. She’s not a bad person, but a fully unreliable partner.

It’s been four months since this relationship ended. I’m figuring out I actually love being single. I have my own space and just me and my animals to look after. I’m in school for a career I love and I have a job I love. I have a wonderful therapist that truly helps and a very supportive family.

I just spent the last 2.5 years where my purpose was basically taking care of this other person. I was exhausted. I was cleaning up all the time and always waiting for the next huge disaster to strike. Looking back I was honestly in some version of survival mode that whole time.  

Now I have space for myself. Space that is fully mine. I won’t come home to an explosion because it’s just me now. But now I have such a hard time doing the daily necessities. I want to study, I want to do my dishes, I want to decorate, I want to read, i want to create art, I want to do so much. But I also just want to sleep and do nothing.

How do I get back to go-go-go but in a healthy way? I know it’s okay to take breaks and rest but it seems I’ve gone to the extreme of minimal motivation to actually do more than the bare minimum these days. I don’t even really feel lonely most of the time. But I feel this lack of purpose gnawing at me so once my animals are taken care of, why should I put the effort into anything else? How do I find joyful purpose in maintaining this home I worked so hard for? I shouldn’t need a deadbeat partner to make me motivated to maintain things and find joyful purpose in life.

Does anybody have any tips or tricks for being more excited to just do things for yourself? I know I love things. I just don’t feel the love right now. I am trying to get that spark back.

More motivation with deadbeat partner than without